another phone call i don't want to answer...

my films are in on my mammogram....

i already know there are people out there thinking i deserve whatever bad happens to me.  (they said so in writing so don't bother calling me a liar or martyr, or whatever the new word is for the unkind vulture crowd)  I know there are people who will berate me for not doing it sooner i have that copied as well just so i never forget the face of cruelty... 

i don't happen to think anyone deserves to die from cancer.   my mother did.  lung cancer.  it was painful and ugly and horrifying.   the day we came back from her MRI which showed the mass creeping around the outside of her lung and headed for her spine, she asked me to run to the store for her.  she gave me the list and as i scanned it she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said,  "please don't say anything to me about wanting cigarettes".  it was a moment i will never forget.  i looked at her hand writing,  i looked up at her.  she wasn't my mother anymore.  she was just a scared little person who was just told she was most likely dying.  there was no one or nothing to blame.  it was exactly what it was.  period.

there is a piece of me (a horrible little piece which rises in me like a volcano and demands a sacrifice for cruelty and hatred)  that would like to grab a few people by the hand and take them back to the night my mother died.  her hand in mine and tell her that its her own damn fault.  chicken shits all of them,  they wouldn't do it.  as far as i know they all smoke as well.  let it be said here and now,  i don't think any of you deserve to die from any sort of cancer.

so i dodged the phone call, sue me, blame me, talk shit about me.   i am/was that scared little person,  the one i saw in my mother.   i was lucky the first time,  cervical cancer seems to be the "golden child" of cancer.  it grows slower than many.   who knows what the hell the dr. is going to tell me about my mammogram.  but i will journal about it and those of you who will find joy in the diagnosis, if it turns out that there may be a problem,  you can start a brand new blog.  sadly,  you will most likely have many followers. 

just a phone call...

i left my cancer in the doctor's office!  i said it was my intention... days before, hours before, and right before the proceedure and today they called and told me i'm all right!  my cervix is pink, perhaps, still in shock but once healing of tissue takes place I AM PERFECT and ready to take on my first test.  the boise foothills...  pictures to come!  give me a month... and give my trainer time to find a month... we will stand on top with pictures of triumph! 

 blessings falling like rain...  may they fall around you as well
nina

or the way the water flows...

more home cancer treatments

actually i think dipping it would be easier than finding a comfortable position in the sink.

if i can just point my cervix in the direction that the wind is blowing!

free health treatment for me?

who knows,  i could be cured in a matter of just a few more months of radiation leakage! 

"top ten things that my roomate would say to me if i die from cancer"

of course ours goes to eleven...

 

 

11. wait.. where's the rent?

 

10. can i have your car?

 

9.   what did we decide midge was short for?

 

8.   we really were just friends!

 

7.   what do you mean "i get the cat"?

 

6.   at least i don't have to say "cervix" anymore!

 

5.   okay! i will usher for you next sunday

 

4.   can i have your left over meds?

 

3.   i always wanted a laptop

 

2.   remember, i dont do CPR

 

and the number one thing my roomate would say to me if i die from cancer.

 

what did YOU hear? i heard, "i love you"!

"c" is for cervical cancer

at least they skipped my birthday and waited a day, although really,  i care nothing of my birthday except the dis-ease my laissez fare attitude toward it affects those around me who honestly want to do something for me or give me or just the opportunity to wish me well.  so the first line of this post is perpetuating a lie...  they could have called me on my birthday and it wouldn't have mattered.  i won't again associate the diagnosis with the date.   its a lie and uncovers opportunistic tendencies i have to transmit my desire to perform for a compassionate audience and act out my tendency to curl up into the fetal position, rock and wait for rescue. pray for rescue.  pretend to be powerless and helpless.  let depression swallow me up and act as if i don't care.  i don't know why i am like that but that is what my counselor is for...  we are figuring it out.

i have stage 2 cervical cancer.  it is not a death sentence.  by this time next thursday i will be finished with the procedure and start a 5 year waiting game  or i will find someone to just take out the damn thing altogether.  its not like i need a womb anymore and i have been irritated that i have to have a menstrual cycle since the day i had my last baby.   take my cervix...please. 

yes, i am sick and i feel so freakin tired...   tomorrow i will go outside and plant a garden.  i will feel sick and tired then too but i will also begin the steps back to renewal and do the interpretive dance of faith by planting seeds and knowing that if i water them they will stand up with awesome beauty and strength.