at least they skipped my birthday and waited a day, although really, i care nothing of my birthday except the dis-ease my laissez fare attitude toward it affects those around me who honestly want to do something for me or give me or just the opportunity to wish me well. so the first line of this post is perpetuating a lie... they could have called me on my birthday and it wouldn't have mattered. i won't again associate the diagnosis with the date. its a lie and uncovers opportunistic tendencies i have to transmit my desire to perform for a compassionate audience and act out my tendency to curl up into the fetal position, rock and wait for rescue. pray for rescue. pretend to be powerless and helpless. let depression swallow me up and act as if i don't care. i don't know why i am like that but that is what my counselor is for... we are figuring it out.
i have stage 2 cervical cancer. it is not a death sentence. by this time next thursday i will be finished with the procedure and start a 5 year waiting game or i will find someone to just take out the damn thing altogether. its not like i need a womb anymore and i have been irritated that i have to have a menstrual cycle since the day i had my last baby. take my cervix...please.
yes, i am sick and i feel so freakin tired... tomorrow i will go outside and plant a garden. i will feel sick and tired then too but i will also begin the steps back to renewal and do the interpretive dance of faith by planting seeds and knowing that if i water them they will stand up with awesome beauty and strength.
