once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.
i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.
for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.
one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...
today a mid morning float on the lake... (this is not the lake nor did i think it necessary for them to wear their floatation devices because even though the grass IS tall enough to fall into and drown i decided to take a chance...)
then home for lunch... then we did fireworks... then my girls became perplexed when i told them that the food fight was next. i put plastic bags over their heads with holes for their heads and holes for their hands.
I put the "item" in two brown bags and counted to 3
they told me to put down the camera and pick up my weapon. we all needed showers after that... dinner was spinach and feta cheese pizza which delighted all of us! hannah baked lemon bars for dessert.
we now are headed to Table Rock to watch the valley light up and then back down to docks to light our flying lanterns
where: sitting in conversation with youngest while waiting for school to start.
"well," i said, "it looks like its time to go in sweets."
"okay mom," she said, "love you! have a good week! oh and seize the day!" she grinned from ear to ear.
"um, what?" i said, grinning back.
"what what?" she said.
"seize the day? that's terrific, i like it!" still grinning then thinking perhaps i would teach her another way to say it. "carpe diem emma bear" i said.
"um what?" she said.
"what what?" i said.
"carpet demon... what the heck mom?"
"what?" i said and burst out laughing. "carpe diem, it means "seize the day"" wiping the tears out of my eyes.
"oh! okay... i think i like carpet demon better." she says as she steps out of the car.
she blew me a kiss and waved until i was out of the parking lot. carpet demon little one i thought as i drove away to seize my own, demons be damned.
