welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

new room with a new view...

so i am moving on again.  the plan before  me this last year failed.  (hear the book slamming shut, imagine dust flying along with regrets... huge regrets) a grand failure of a sincere endeavor.  i would love to be able to connect everything together before i die.  i doubt i ever will,  i doubt most people ever do  did Hemingway finish his last writings before he killed himself here in idaho?   it is impossible or maybe highly unlikely for most.  some are great at wrapping things up with embellishments of some sort,  some have the talent of leaving everything suspended in the air and it still is perfect.  i just have become so angry with embellishment and complete lying about the real story that i dont know that i will ever tie things up in a bow and be able to say,  "the end" or even more silly "happily ever after",  and i am not sure that i can leave stories open ended and have it make sense for people, not even for me.    come to think of it though,  life and death is exactly like that...  i popped out about 6 months before the Cuban missile crisis and who knows when i will exit stage left.  i guess that means that we just go until we stop.   and in between, we try to be true to ourselves.  Some of us are obsessed with journaling and desperately want something to be left behind to show our imperfect path we walked while we were here.   for family, for friends, for strangers.... for the universe.  its important that people know how others lived.  we can learn from others even if we come across as the poster child for how not to live.

   i have found a place with less emotion, less access and no memories.  it is a place that has a wealth of possible new experiences and new views and new habits.  i believe it will benefit everyone in my life.   but i am not gone.... if you want me,  you can find me.   i am not hiding.  i am just off writing a new chapter.

Sunday, July 24, 2011


i missed the brilliant pink sunset over the lake  and the kayaker coming in for the night because i was  bickering for no reason that actually had any chance of a good and fair outcome.  there are swimmers out there that are taking in the drop in temperature and one lone fisherman.  i get to live here.  how wonderfully delightful.

less bickering, more participation in my intended surroundings.

c. s. lewis...

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

oh lordy.... who in the hell gave me THIS fortune cookie?

"your charitable efforts will be worthwhile,  just be patient"

Buddha has a sense of humor...  if you would have seen the blood sweat and tears that went on today just to get HALF of my house moved.   many sweet loving people are probably on pain killers and muscle relaxers tonight damning me to hell.   the best thing i managed to do is take the door off the apartment and then beg strong neighbor boys to help maneuver the couch into the apartment.   if i ever leave here again i take a chain saw to the couch and cut it in half.  put it in the dumpster and call it good.

i am now looking to  have to hire a moving company to get the rest...  i am so indebted to these people who worked so hard to get me in here today.  THEIR charitable efforts will be worthwhile, please dear friends be patient... i will make it up to you.   i wish i could share with you the moon shining over the lake and the breeze embracing tired muscles  sitting here on my bistro table on the porch.   without you today... this wouldn't be happening to me tonight.

i have been blessed today.  thank you friends and my God bless you.

Friday, July 22, 2011

the delicious breeze coming in off the lake

it makes me smile and think of Katherine Hepburn and Henry Fonda and  cant help but see them out there in a canoe.

 every night i will get to see the sunset over this beautiful place. i am hunkered down on the floor with my tv and internet waiting to get sleepy and feeling the breeze and hearing the geese and ducks... not as romantic as loons i know but just being me will make up for that...

Saturday, July 16, 2011

sleeping on frozen sugar peas...

i have pulled a muscle but the cold sure feels good.   i am roasting pickled garlic and brats tonight and sleeping under the stars... time to figure out how to do this will all my bbq spears packed.... i may just light the fire and microwave the brats and garlic and pretend...

the crickets will sing me to sleep...   i will bring an extra pillow.

Friday, July 15, 2011

kitchen is almost done...

well anything that i am taking from the kitchen...   i would be more heartbroken if i leave hannah's mobile that i would the waffle iron....  i will be driving around i guess with my entire kitchen in my car for a few days more.  gotta get in on though,  i dont want anything too breakable in others care.   if i break it is fine if they do i will pine.   

lots of plastic bags involved with toys books and clothing....   i wanted to do it all with boxes because they look so orderly.... but hell i have never been orderly.   i need to take apart my bed... that is daunting....   i think the girls beds just need maneuvering.  i am taking the futon mattress but not the frame.... that thing is on its last leg.... i would rather leave it outside for recycling.

i cant believe i am leaving... i hate losing.  i hate   miscalculating.  and i hate that saturday i will be roasting garlic over my last open fire alone.   but i will anyway.

change is the only thing that doesn't and happily ever after is a lie we have harmed every generation before us and probably after us if we don't start tell them that life is a crap shoot and it doesn't work out the way we want more times than not.

may the universe watch over and care for my chestnut haired girl.   

Saturday, July 9, 2011

nina packs up her belongings...

and personally takes another chunk of the ozone layer with her throw away utencils...

i have come to the conclusion that she who dies with the least amount of crap and belongings is truly the winner.  this is my 3rd move in 2 years.  i am beginning to get a high out of watching the bits and pieces of things that seem to follow me just because they are there get hauled away by the idaho youth ranch.   its like a huge weight off my shoulders.  its true that the furniture i have decided to bring with me will not lend itself to massive parties but then that has never happened in my lifetime anyhow.  well except that once,  boy were my parents pissed when they found out.

14 days to privacy!

Monday, July 4, 2011

i just had a best 4th of july EVER!!!

today a mid morning float on the lake...  (this is not the lake nor did i think it necessary for them to wear their floatation devices because even though the grass IS tall enough to fall into and drown i decided to take a chance...)

 then home for lunch... then we did fireworks... then my girls became perplexed when i told them that the food fight was next.   i put plastic bags over their heads with holes for their heads and holes for their hands.

I put the "item" in two brown  bags and counted to 3

they told me to put down the camera and pick up my weapon.  we all needed showers after that...   dinner was spinach and feta cheese pizza which delighted all of us!   hannah baked lemon bars for dessert.

we now are headed to Table Rock to watch the valley light up and then back down to docks to light our flying lanterns

best day ever i tell ya!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

enjoy it while it lasts? i dunno... maybe no title at all

after the house got quiet, i walked outside to find kitty.   i looked around at all of my ideas that dani turned into reality.  i lit candles turned on the lights and decided that for one time, maybe the last time i will sleep in the garden of eden she had created for me as a diversion during such very scary times....  perhaps tomorrow i can convince the girls to sleep out here with me.   we did it last year.  all four of us.  that was when my partner was part of my life.   we tried to stay awake for a meteor shower but we all pooped out.   it was one of my favorite memories here in this house.

so i will sleep.  perhaps to dream about the love this house was suppose represent when I moved here.  my chestnut haired girl and my two beautiful children.  we came so close to being a family.  may my dreams soften my saddness of complete failure.   may God hear my prayers:

thank you lord for giving one more year to try to heal my relationship.  thank you for all the beauty that was surrounding me during the hard things that came my way this year.  and please send me off to sleep with my favorite memories of all of those i love so deeply.  may you soothe my chestnut haired girl and soften her heart so that she too can continue through the life you gave us and find love and joy.