welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Friday, February 25, 2011

not more than, more than but nonetheless more than...

its interesting to look at the people in our lives and wonder how on earth we found them/they found us and why you just clicked.  its out of our control who does and who doesn't, you cannot pick the click.   if you force it, wish upon a star, cross your fingers, change who you are in hopes that someone will be your bestest friend ever, it turns into a circus freak sideshow.  i would say "just don't do it" but people do it everyday.  we all have done it at least once.  oh! one more thing, don't mistake "click" for "clique" because that is a horse of a totally different freak show.

i met my friend what seems like a million emotional years ago.  a couple months after my "happily ever after" started falling to pieces, bit by bit like a clay pot left out in the winter weather.   we clicked.  we found we could talk about ourselves and our lives at great length and in depth.  we found our humor fed off each other.  and when things started getting scary for me at home, i found safety at her apartment and some sanity within the greater insanity which we lived.  well, live, present, and probably forever and always.

we were never lovers.  i know that blows the whole sorted story out of the water but its true.  but we have always been connected.  yesterday she and i had a conversation that was probably one of the most honest, raw and clear conversations i have ever had with anyone.   she was so blantantly honest about herself that i found myself humbled.  her clarity is something to strive for.   by the end of the conversation it was clear that no matter what changed in our situations we never would have been lovers, which actually has been self evident for the entire time i have known her.  but it finally answered a lot of "whys".

 of course, back in the day, the why was that i was still in a relationship and she wouldn't let either one of us cross that boundry.  later on though the whys weren't always so clear to me.  it was interesting to hear it spoken.  in exchange for never being her lover though i had and continue to have this amazing friendship.  i told her yesterday after seeing the big picture and trusting her with her truth,  "i would rather keep you forever than have you for a few minutes.".   she grinned and told me that it was a wise decision because for the 5 minutes i'd have her, 3 of them would be most horrific 3 of my life. 

trying to turn the conversation back to how much i still love her (anyway), i told her that i felt blessed.  she cracked up, slapped herself on the knee and said, "oh baby, you have no idea how blessed you are!"  i laughed because she knew she was right.   i had to clarify that i hadn't meant it THAT way.   she wrapped me up in one of her bear hugs still giggling and i fell into the familiar safety of one of my dearest friends.   i think i have grabbed the brass ring with this one.  i am blessed.  i am more than blessed.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

its more than dislike

i fucking HATE fibro...

once someone i used to care about discribed it as a "weird disease" in order to discredit it me and make me look like a fool.  luckily, the person he said it to understood the nature of the "weird disease" and corrected him.  needless to say,  i hold very little value in most of what he thinks anymore.  not because of that one instance.  he has proven himself ignorant and lacking empathy over and over again.

did i mention that i HATE fibro?  i hate it for so many reasons.  i hate the twitches that herald the coming of the flare.  they are embarrassing and frustrating and uncomfortable.  i hate that all the meds you can take for it make me feel as if i am on a bender or unable to rise from the couch.  i don't take any of them anymore and muttle through with excedrine, self pity, walking around angry and trying hard to keep moving because even though it hurts like hell, i know if i lay down, it will be worse when i try to get up.

i hate that i never know when its gonna get bad.  i hate that even when its not "bad" it is still with me every freakin day.   i hate the spring because that triggers the MOTHER OF ALL FLARES every freakin year.  its hard to enjoy the glory of spring when every move you make makes you tear up in pain.  my heart and soul wants to be on the mountain top twirling around with julie andrews but it would never happen, never.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

sound travels...

it is one of my favorite sounds...  its my babies tucked tight into their beds on the few nights i am "allowed" to have them.  they share the master suite downstairs and my bedroom is right above theirs and their happy silly beautiful voices float up through the heating ducts in the house.  sometimes i will just lay in bed and listen to them conversing.  sometimes laughing.  sometimes fighting (which is followed by the inevitable stomping up the stairs for a chance to state their cases.)   most nights it turns into a counseling session on other people's feelings...  neither one of them is ever declared the winner of the fight when the dispute is taken to the higher court of mom's bedroom.   but they keep trying.  or perhaps  that is the reason they keep coming back.   we work it out,  figure out where each went wrong and sometimes still have to declare that life isn't fair.   but with me,  there really has to be some HUGE wrong done before anyone walks away with a punishment.  i look at it as a teaching moment about empathy and communication.  but i think i have digressed here...  i was talking about the sounds of their voices.   tonight before i left their room they kept asking for one more hug, one more kiss, one more, one more, one more...  finally in exasperation i said they needed to stop and settle down.   my eldest said,  but its the last night...   i said jokingly, "not forever, just a couple weeks".   the baby said "that is forever".   i told them, as i always do when they bring this up, that if i could be with them everyday all day long i would.  if i could change it, i would.  i put on a brave face and reason with them that 2 weeks isn't that very long and i kiss them again and turn off the light.

but they are right.  it is forever.  their childhood years have been portioned out to me in thimbles.   i understand now just how hard and heartbreaking it must have been for my first ex husband when i announced i was moving to a different state with his young children.  i took precious time away from not only him but from his children as well.  it was wrong for me to do that.  it is wrong for what is happening to my children now.

i suddenly had the need tonight to return downstairs to tell them again how much i love them.  i am sure when they heard my footsteps on the stairs that the hammer was coming down on their past bedtime silliness but instead i knocked and went in quietly.  i sat on the bed and grinned at them and reminded them that sound travels a lot in the house.  they both grinned back at me.   i took out their lotion and rubbed each of their backs praying a silent prayer that they could feel the love flowing into their skin and the gentle touch of a mother who misses them so much that i find it difficult to breathe on tuesdays when i drop them off at school knowing that its going to be forever before i see them, mother them, again.

the uneven distribution of custody hurts my heart but i am a big girl, i can deal with it.  but what it is doing to the girls is damaging them forever.  the time taken from them and their mother can never be replaced.  not with other people.  not with fun things to do.  not with money and cool stuff.   it is also damaging the way these girls feel and their opinions about the adults around them who are continuing to cause the conflict.  i really don't know if its even occurred to them.  how very tragic for everyone involved.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

the baby with the bath water...

on my way home tonight, on my nightly salad run, on came a song from the radio which i hadn't heard in a very long time.  i found myself tentatively floating back to a moment and the time i heard that song in a different situation.  i found myself making a life changing decision during that song and sadly settled into the car seat as i watched my girlfriend playing with her son on the playground at his school.    i realized for the first time clearly that we were never going to be anything more than a couple 3000 miles apart.   i wouldn't leave my children to move to her, why on earth, if i loved her so much, would i ever expect that of her?

it was so long ago.  i remember the ache in my heart.  it was a horrible breakup but a realistic and necessary one.  i felt my chest caving in on me when i walked through security looking back over my shoulder knowing i would never see her again.   the song floats me back though, past the pain in the chest to other things that make me smile.   we had many wonderful times.   i have a habit of just throwing out the whole experience to spare myself any chance i might feel pain along with the snap shots of happiness.   i have decided to quit doing that.   the good memories that make me smile continue to make me smile.  the heartache keeps mellowing into some sort of melancholy school girl type pain that i know from experience, i won't die from and will, if it hasn't already, fade from existence.  but the good ones,  the good memories are as strong and as vivid as they were in the beginning

the memories don't have any gravitational pull on me.  i don't start missing the person or reconsidering my choices nor do i drunk dial people who have, like me, gotten on with their lives.  the relationships have been put to rest.   but i will no longer bury my happy memories.  they belong to me.  i like to smile at them.