on my way home tonight, on my nightly salad run, on came a song from the radio which i hadn't heard in a very long time. i found myself tentatively floating back to a moment and the time i heard that song in a different situation. i found myself making a life changing decision during that song and sadly settled into the car seat as i watched my girlfriend playing with her son on the playground at his school. i realized for the first time clearly that we were never going to be anything more than a couple 3000 miles apart. i wouldn't leave my children to move to her, why on earth, if i loved her so much, would i ever expect that of her?
it was so long ago. i remember the ache in my heart. it was a horrible breakup but a realistic and necessary one. i felt my chest caving in on me when i walked through security looking back over my shoulder knowing i would never see her again. the song floats me back though, past the pain in the chest to other things that make me smile. we had many wonderful times. i have a habit of just throwing out the whole experience to spare myself any chance i might feel pain along with the snap shots of happiness. i have decided to quit doing that. the good memories that make me smile continue to make me smile. the heartache keeps mellowing into some sort of melancholy school girl type pain that i know from experience, i won't die from and will, if it hasn't already, fade from existence. but the good ones, the good memories are as strong and as vivid as they were in the beginning
the memories don't have any gravitational pull on me. i don't start missing the person or reconsidering my choices nor do i drunk dial people who have, like me, gotten on with their lives. the relationships have been put to rest. but i will no longer bury my happy memories. they belong to me. i like to smile at them.
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