welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

its more than dislike

i fucking HATE fibro...

once someone i used to care about discribed it as a "weird disease" in order to discredit it me and make me look like a fool.  luckily, the person he said it to understood the nature of the "weird disease" and corrected him.  needless to say,  i hold very little value in most of what he thinks anymore.  not because of that one instance.  he has proven himself ignorant and lacking empathy over and over again.

did i mention that i HATE fibro?  i hate it for so many reasons.  i hate the twitches that herald the coming of the flare.  they are embarrassing and frustrating and uncomfortable.  i hate that all the meds you can take for it make me feel as if i am on a bender or unable to rise from the couch.  i don't take any of them anymore and muttle through with excedrine, self pity, walking around angry and trying hard to keep moving because even though it hurts like hell, i know if i lay down, it will be worse when i try to get up.

i hate that i never know when its gonna get bad.  i hate that even when its not "bad" it is still with me every freakin day.   i hate the spring because that triggers the MOTHER OF ALL FLARES every freakin year.  its hard to enjoy the glory of spring when every move you make makes you tear up in pain.  my heart and soul wants to be on the mountain top twirling around with julie andrews but it would never happen, never.

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