its interesting to look at the people in our lives and wonder how on earth we found them/they found us and why you just clicked. its out of our control who does and who doesn't, you cannot pick the click. if you force it, wish upon a star, cross your fingers, change who you are in hopes that someone will be your bestest friend ever, it turns into a circus freak sideshow. i would say "just don't do it" but people do it everyday. we all have done it at least once. oh! one more thing, don't mistake "click" for "clique" because that is a horse of a totally different freak show.
i met my friend what seems like a million emotional years ago. a couple months after my "happily ever after" started falling to pieces, bit by bit like a clay pot left out in the winter weather. we clicked. we found we could talk about ourselves and our lives at great length and in depth. we found our humor fed off each other. and when things started getting scary for me at home, i found safety at her apartment and some sanity within the greater insanity which we lived. well, live, present, and probably forever and always.
we were never lovers. i know that blows the whole sorted story out of the water but its true. but we have always been connected. yesterday she and i had a conversation that was probably one of the most honest, raw and clear conversations i have ever had with anyone. she was so blantantly honest about herself that i found myself humbled. her clarity is something to strive for. by the end of the conversation it was clear that no matter what changed in our situations we never would have been lovers, which actually has been self evident for the entire time i have known her. but it finally answered a lot of "whys".
of course, back in the day, the why was that i was still in a relationship and she wouldn't let either one of us cross that boundry. later on though the whys weren't always so clear to me. it was interesting to hear it spoken. in exchange for never being her lover though i had and continue to have this amazing friendship. i told her yesterday after seeing the big picture and trusting her with her truth, "i would rather keep you forever than have you for a few minutes.". she grinned and told me that it was a wise decision because for the 5 minutes i'd have her, 3 of them would be most horrific 3 of my life.
trying to turn the conversation back to how much i still love her (anyway), i told her that i felt blessed. she cracked up, slapped herself on the knee and said, "oh baby, you have no idea how blessed you are!" i laughed because she knew she was right. i had to clarify that i hadn't meant it THAT way. she wrapped me up in one of her bear hugs still giggling and i fell into the familiar safety of one of my dearest friends. i think i have grabbed the brass ring with this one. i am blessed. i am more than blessed.
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