welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Monday, August 29, 2011

the bigger picture....

FYI for all newbies and drunken smart people, if you email a copy of a communication you have had with someone else that, if in part, would make you look good but you forget to delete the email that came before that, you look like a psycho.... and then everyone who you forwarded  it to will know you or who thought they wanted to know you will CERTAINLY know you and wish they didn't after that.  you would think this happening coming from a self proclaimed techie would be intentional self reputational suicide..... or an a accidental histrionic embarrassment.... no wonder you don't show your face around here anymore..... evil, lies, gossip and deception never wins in the end..... HUN.    

i guess we dont get to choose...

i tried so quietly to let go of the ghosts from P and A's past.    it stands now 40 years,  it thought it long enough to keep from disturbing the dirt. but i do not believe i will be sleeping tonight.   i am haunted by a story that had all but disappeared into my psyche and i am haunted just  as deeply by those 3 straight lines which also do not belong to me, but i will never forget them either.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

three straight lines

death, it comes in many forms.

some wander off their path and forget the bread crumbs to help them find their way back. so once they are tired of the new way, they can't find their way back.   they are stuck with their decision.  that one decision, that one footstep in a different direction that really didn't seem so big and important at the time.  it seemed alluring, exciting and new.  but now they are left with the realization that they will never go back to that old path.  they mourn or they become angry or apathetic and return to the place they never really wanted to be but was just curious about.  they never knew once a line was crossed that the door closed forever.

it brings to mind the original version of Willy Wonka when he yells half heartedly,  "wait, stop, don't do it".  with an odd smile on his face.   i have wondered about that face all my life until i finally grew up and realized that that small little clip says more about human nature than perhaps most people see.   it tricks you,  you think he is bad or sadistic or nuts.   (i still think he is nuts but it has nothing to do with his ability to recognize true human nature).   he knew no matter how loud his voice was it wouldn't matter because human nature is stronger than a loud voice,  a pleading woman on her knees or an ambulance to take away the person before they do something so bad that they can't find their way back to their own footstep on their original path.

i had a boyfriend in high school named P.  he had anger issues.  (funny that i keep picking those types).  the first time i went to his apartment there were pictures of him and another girl on his walls.  i asked, of course, who this was.  he told me it was A.   i asked, are you still in love with her, are you dating her as well as me?  he got quiet,  "she's dead."  he said.  "we were in a fight driving down the freeway and i lost control of the car and hit the light pole going about 80mph".  it was my turn to be quiet. finally,  "i'm sorry."  i said, as her eyes stared back at me and his stared at the ground.

we dated for a while until i couldn't take the anger and the bruises anymore.  one night before it ended, he looked at me and said,  "we were supposed to go together, me and A, you know?"   his voice began to quiver,  she screamed at me while we were driving and said that she loved me but she couldn't take it anymore.   so i cranked the wheel...  i started to turn to walk away.  he said, sobbing.  nobody knows. they all think it was an accident.   i looked back over my shoulder and said, "it was."

i never spoke with him again, nor did i dig up already settled grief.  it had already been 2 years since that happened.  ghosts sometimes do not want to be bothered.   a few months later i was sitting with a mutual friend of our and in the middle of a bite of my Wendy's burger, R says, "oh did you hear?  P killed himself a few weeks ago."  

later that night i was thinking again about Willy Wonka.  "wait, stop, don't do it".  and i swear that odd look came over my face, just like his.  was it bad, sadistic or nuts?  or was i just recognizing human nature.  i don't know, it was in the '70s.  i did go to his grave site a few years later.  i just stood there.  i did notice that he had forgotten to leave any bread crumbs leading outside the cemetery gate. 

it really takes just one footstep off the path.

Friday, August 26, 2011

consider this, the hint of the century...




Thursday, August 25, 2011


i look at the sky and trees, the birds, especially the powerful hawk who just spotted breakfast and swooped down on Quinn's Pond and flew away victoriously.   its quiet.   summer isn't used to the quiet.  it sits and wonders,  "where is everyone?"   i'm here doing my best at all the things you were pining for in the dead of winter.  but you're gone.   soon i will have no choice but to give in to cool air that will steal my leaves and my vitality.  i will be gone.   you will pass by and remark how short is seemed, my visit, i mean.  yet i gave my all for you and you left me to go to do other activities. 

i will color myself in brilliant hues to say goodbye and to tell you how much i enjoyed watching you play with joy and great abandon.  i will color myself in hues of  both acquiescence and also in a promise that next year,  i know you know i will be back.  i know i will be back.  taller, fuller and filled with joy of all i bring to your lives.  please know that your joy is shared by every fiber of my being.   we had a wonderful summer.  we will have another. to everything, turn, turn, turn....

Thursday, August 18, 2011


each thursday a small gathering of my church family come together to check in with ourselves and we try different types of meditation.  15 minutes of absolute quite with a certain tactic to guide our minds into a place of peace. 
today we tried,  "i am very blessed because...."   and for the 15 we counted our blessings.  it was delightful because the funniest things kept coming into my mind.  so many blessings!  afterward we shared some of the things that we were thinking and i had to confess that i spent most of my time thinking about the circus that i watched outside my door today, well everyday actually.   i have two squirrels who like to visit my deck and eat the bird food.  there is one with a big fluffy tail who politely walks across the balcony and gentle picks out his favorite morsels.  then there is the skinny tailed squirrel who propels himself out of nowhere from the tree outside and  lands directly into the bowl of bird seed.  seed goes flying everywhere and he sits there like his is all that.   it must be an insecurity about that sad looking tail.

the birds come and clean up after him but he eventually comes back in the same fashion and then turns his attention to my rugs... he pulls them up and around looking for whatever the birds left and pays no attention to me when i go out and tell him to stop.  he just looks at me as if i am bothering his groove. 

its a lovely sight to see.  i am very blessed to have it happen every day.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

this has GOT to be a good life...

we really do have to make this a good life.  its the only one we have.  we have no do-overs in grown up times.  this is it folks.   whats it gonna be?   i , personally can live with my tidal melancholia because it feeds a part of the good life inside and outside of me.  i am a writer and photographer i need that POV but i can't be at war.  not that i wont fight one but i will not continue on and over lap my good part.  i will not give anyone that power to ruin the good life. they can be like a fly, it will be brushed away after i am done with the irritation.

laugh as loud as you can.  find art everywhere or find places art can materialize and plot the emergence of your vision,  remember to take copious pictures and then run like hell if you hear sirens.   think of funny things to say, do silly things that make other people laugh and always encourage those with the yearning in their eyes to join ....  you can do it... i have done it.  i have brought shy people to the dance floor where they have found that dancing isnt a spectator sport.  i have, by example got mothers to jump into the  pool after i have done it in the biggest way possible and letting them see that you dont die from embarrassment  or silliness and no one is sitting on the side lines holding up numbers rating you and your abilities.  instead you laugh at how easy it was just to let go.

this has GOT to be a good life people.  WORK at life, WORK at love.   dont give up and walk away feeling defeated.  this has GOT to be good.  not mediocre, not shitty.... not just okay.  its got to be GOOD!

so what are you going to do tomorrow?

Saturday, August 13, 2011

are you talkin' to me?

things i have learned since 2006.

those who cannot write, edit. they are reduced to commentary in red pen on the margins of other people who can write. nobody in their right mind gives a shit about it unless they are bored and need a good laugh. or for some unfortunate twist of fate their job is held hostage to the moron that can't decipher the big picture but can pick apart every piece of their work.

that description fits you jen to a tee. you have never told the truth as to why we broke up. after all we had both been through i really thought that it was a done deal. then one night out of the blue before christmas, you gave me a long rambling speech over the phone about how we really couldn't continue to be together. you were slurring which wasn't unusual for you. with your history of chewing your oxy and drinking and your purposeful manipulation of your lithium because you claimed "you could perform better and faster in your life if you skipped it". but you didn't get what you expected, did you? a needy "oh please don't leave me". the little "baby gay" who was afraid to step out and be on her own. i said a tearful okay and i said goodbye and hung up the phone. much to my surprise you called me the next day and acted as if nothing had happened. i questioned you about the conversation we had the night before. "you broke up with me last night" i said, and you said, "i might have, i don't really remember". then you went on to try to strike up a conversation like nothing ever happened. had you been in front of me i would have looked at you like you were a lunatic but seems you were 3000 miles away i finally let my common sense over ride my insecurity and realized that you were damaging me in ways i could no longer accept.

instead of mourning the loss of a relationship and getting passed it, you have continually stalked me since that night. (i dont even remember when it was... 07?) i wonder how your girlfriend feels about you spending so much mental energy on someone you so obviously hate. i wonder if you picked someone who instead of seeing the disease that is obviously at work in your life, she is "a little bit broken" as you used to say. you always loved them "a little bit broken" easy to manipulate, innocent, on the edge of crisis or someone who has the same personality disorders you have.

i dont love you jen, i dont want you back. i have nothing to work out with you. your clandestine conversations with my ex-girl friend.and my ex husband's wife,. delighting in how good you are at manipulation, double crossing them all and making them look like fools, has been your MO since i've known you. if you know of a word that is lower than fool you can use that to describe yourself... after all you are the editor. this is just a bite of what you were sending me while you playing comrades with the others.

quote: To be perfectly honest, I want you back. I have always wanted you back. I think you know that.
you, jen are a narcissist. you want everyone to be your friend or confidant but you also want all those who you are speaking untruths about to be on your side and trust you as well. you know you have the advantage because as i noted in my blog a few posts back, "everyone loves a good story" especially once you have located their weak points.

you are not the love of my life. you were just my first. i pray like hell that you always stay 3000 miles away from me. and away from my ex-girlfriend, who happens to hold that title (even if we are not together anymore, even if she doen't feel the same) she is the one i think about when i ponder love, and away from my ex-husband's wife, who with all the bad blood that has run between us, i wouldn't wish you on her even at my angriest moment.

i would suggest therapy except that we both know that you dump them the minute you hear something you don't like. i would suggest AA but i have seen how well that works with you. your (ahem) woman problem was so bad that you were bleeding from the yeast infection you had from drinking too much beer. you had bruises all over your body when i came to see you and all you would tell me is that you were meeting with some business partners downtown and didn't really remember getting home. you also refused to take the pills the doctor gave you to help you stop drinking. and then there is your lithium that you choose not to take so you can live in a continual manic state because you think you do your best at life without it.

all of this is directed at YOU. if i speak of "we" i speak from the Old World Dictionary meanings 1 or 2:

World English Dictionary
we (wi?)

— pron
1. refers to the speaker or writer and another person or other people: we should go now
2. refers to all people or people in general: the planet on which we live

NOT number 3: 3. when used by editors, a formal word for i

i can see how you can get confused, being an editor and all. but as you see, if i have something to say to someone i will damn well make sure everyone knows to whom i am speaking. if i say we, i am speaking of the human condition. one thing is true, what you said in your email about my experiences not being the norm. you hit that one right on the head. rarely do whackos terrorize their ex's for as long as you have. rarely do whackos spend so much making sure they are not forgotten whether its in a good light or a bad light. they just want to be recognized and consider themselves a player. in your quest you will hurt anyone, betray everyone that gets in the way just to get to me so that you can feel important, dominant and revired or vindicated.


some of us know better.
some of us just don't give a shit.

here is a good rule of thumb, if the topic is speaking in generalities and it doesn't apply to you then it isn't about you. if by chance you feel like you are looking in a mirror then perhaps you may want to look closer. or you could just shoot your mouth off like you always have.


a change of scenery

a change of scenery is always good for the soul.  most of us get tired of doing the same things over and over seeing the same things over and over.  but the one thing that doesn't seem to change along with the scenery is the simple fact that memories don't behave themselves.  feelings don't behave themselves.  the only thing we are left with is what we choose to do with the pesky things that will always be with us.

we write songs and poetry.  we spend hours at night not sleeping, thinking up "do overs" and "if onlys".  until we are out of our minds with frustration.  resignation is always the last thing we want to entertain.  sometimes it takes years to get there.  sometimes we get there and hate it so much that we step back into the "what if" stage.   we tell ourselves that we have found a new way to fix the problem.  but life always seems to remind us that its time to resign and let go.   we aren't meant to suffer loss perpetually.  life wants us to feel the pain of our mistakes but it urges us on to face the rest of our lives and hopefully we will have spent enough time in the pain that we will try a different path.
as human beings we can always try to do better. To be better. To right a wrong. Even when it feels irreversible. Of course, I'm sorry doesn't always cut it. Maybe because we use it so many different ways. As a weapon. As an excuse. But, when we are really sorry, when we use it right. When we mean it. When our actions say what words never can. When we get it right "I'm sorry" is perfect. When we get it right, "I'm sorry" is redemption ~GA~
its true we can all do better as human beings.  most of us are haunted by a wrong we have done and it will not leave us until we try to right it.   but what happens when we do our best,  we dip down into the place we keep our sincerity and it is still not right.  its not what the apology was expected it to be.   we stand confused, not understanding why we have given our deep down regrets and apologies and it still isn't enough.  we are confronted with critique and rejection.   what do we do?   perhaps we try to find different words or we fall to our knees submitting to the one we desperately  want forgiveness from.   what happens when we humble ourselves  in front of the person who we love so desperately and  want to break the cycle of anger and they keep pummeling you with more of their disgruntlement.   you have to decide to stay on your knees or get up and resign to the fact that there is something more that you don't have that they desperately need, and we walk away unforgiven.
then we have to forgive ourselves.   not an easy thing to do.  we live inside our selves and see the imperfections and we have to comfort ourselves, remind ourselves that we deserve forgiveness and that when it all comes down to it.  if we dont forgive our selves, regardless of whether or not others have, we will never be  the same.   we will hold back the best of ourselves and we will stop taking chances on new situations.  we seem to look at redemption as a gift we beg for others to give us but we need to learn that often it is us who need to forgive outselves if we ever want to have another good night's sleep and the courage to wake up in the morning and carry on.

Friday, August 12, 2011

a beautiful day...

the weather was perfect today.  i woke to a group of boy scouts having rowing races and swimming races.  cheers would ring out from an obvisously proud group of parents.   i love waking to splashing and laughter with birds perched in trees right outside my window.

the moon is full tonight and its going to spectacular when it finally gets over the pond.   i am going to do my best to be awake then.  my camera is beginning to yell at me from lack of attention.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

just human nature?

who is it?  who was Carly Simon singing about?  the song was released sometime in "72 and there has been speculation about it ever since.   if the perfect song about human nature exists, this is it. it is an "in your face" kind of song, yet it is shrouded in ambiguity.  perfect!  everyone who knew her was yearning and stretching to fit themselves or people they may know as the subject of the song.  those who decided it was about them were plunged into self denial (I'M NOT VAIN!) , anger or oddly, a sense of importance in her life.  "at least she is talking about me so she must be thinking about me.  she must still feel a connection to me".  yet, in that moment, that very thought  shows the vanity that exists. 

all songs are born of some emotion felt by life experiences,  most are clever or subtle or humor is used to buffer the message.  one of my personal funny favorite words are  "let me hold your crown, babe".  it makes me grin every time i hear it.   why do i smile?  because it rings true for me in some place in my life both about people i have known and myself in moments of over self importance.   many of us, if not all of us, find ourselves in lyrics or poetry or some other outside form.  perhaps we are seeking a connection or vindication.  we want to think we are important somewhere and if our feelings are echoed somewhere from someone else we feel less alone.  its like looking at the first footprint on the moon.  it is irrefutable proof that Armstrong was the one (unless you are into conspiracy theories).  

we try to find our footprint everywhere we go.  in our relationships, in our work, in others words or actions.  we lean into conversations or strike them up in order to mine out bits of ourselves.   some of us are willing to stretch the truth or the meaning in order to make it fit.   (mental imagine of square peg, round hole syndrome) or an overblown sense of importance, or expectation that you must be important enough for you to keep popping up in other's daily thoughts and doings.

if you read any comprehsive  book on mental illness, you will find that characteristic listed in several different diagnosis'.  but i think, putting aside mental illness, it is human nature to try to find outselves outside of ourselves.  we want to think we left a footprint, an impression, an emotion even if it is a negative one.  we all want to be remembered in one way or another and sometimes we will settle for a bad impression over no impression.   stepping back from that statement we cringe in horror to think we would do that to ourselves but we are all yearning for the footprint and we are all yearning to be remembered.

even as i post this,  i am an example of vanity.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Attaining Homeostasis

In life we are taught that there are seven deadly sins. We all know the big ones... gluttony, pride, lust. But the thing you don't hear much about is anger. Maybe it's because we think anger is not that dangerous, that you can control it. My point is, maybe we don't give anger enough credit. Maybe it can be a lot more dangerous than we think. After all when it comes to destructive behaviour, it did make the top seven.  ~GA~

"homeostasis"  someone said this word the other day.  i haven't heard it for a long time and i had forgotten how much i liked the sound of it.   the word was used in regard to breathing. that moment between breaths when your body has enough oxygen and your lungs are quiet.  then, just like any other living thing we have to breath in again.  small adjustment,  huge results.

emotions in and of themselves are not one of those things that can reach and maintain homeostasis, but our reactions to them and our desire to hold on to them or let them go most certainly is.   exclamations such as "i can't help it" and "you make me..."   are both tediously human and completely incorrect.  we can help it and no one makes us do or say anything.  we choose, whether we want to acknowledge it or not.  

i venture to suggest that we all can choose our own emotional homeostasis as well.   we all face life with a chosen perspective.   we run head long into each situation an angry, grateful, secure or unhappy person or we let situations hit us head on because we are disconnected, depressed or totally apathetic.  all our choice. 

it is odd how much flack one gets when one decides to just be calm and grateful for what they have and who they are and let go of the anger.  i have played around with living in all of the emotions at one time or another.  when i let go of grudges,  forgive myself and others and appear happy just breathing in and out is when it seems to trouble people.  i am called apathetic if i am not angry or when i draw a boundry and keep it, i am cold and hateful.    i have noticed that if someone is angry and suffering they want you to be too. they will say or do anything to draw you in.  if you respond with any other emotion besides anger it just makes them more angry.  of course, the opposite is true as well.  people who live grateful and in contentment want the same for others around them.     This backs up the view that we draw in people and situations into our lives in relationship to where we are with ourselves.

i agree with the quote above.  anger is dangerous and destructive.  it is also miserable to live in anger homostatically.  (there is that word again, love it!)  we imagine anger as something thrown at someone or something else but the truth is, we retain it.  it doesn't go anywhere.  it just sits inside of us and eats away at all the other emotions that we have.  it damages the person holding it much more than the person being hit with it.

gossip is dangerous, (i'm not sure if it specifically made the top 7) i am learning that if you really pay attention you can manuver yourself around them a good part of the time but there is always someone that will betray you no matter how vidulant you are.  and no matter how much we hate it, sometimes we find ourselves gossipping.  its hard to resist on some level because gossips always seem to be busy, popular and having fun. they also seem to be the easiest to sway. speaking from experience, it is effortless and exciting to get sucked into their swirling vortex of terror.  There are those who lie in attempt to make their case air tight.  (definitely top 7) omission, supposition, inferring...  these are interesting tools to use because they are subtle.  with the slightest change in the truth, one can change the entire story, change people's perspective and no one is the wiser.   (although they should be) 

worst case scenerio,  two or more angry, lying, gossips sitting in a room together talking about you.  you are sunk.  people love to believe the worst in others and we all love a good story.

Swirling vortex of terror