welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

just human nature?

who is it?  who was Carly Simon singing about?  the song was released sometime in "72 and there has been speculation about it ever since.   if the perfect song about human nature exists, this is it. it is an "in your face" kind of song, yet it is shrouded in ambiguity.  perfect!  everyone who knew her was yearning and stretching to fit themselves or people they may know as the subject of the song.  those who decided it was about them were plunged into self denial (I'M NOT VAIN!) , anger or oddly, a sense of importance in her life.  "at least she is talking about me so she must be thinking about me.  she must still feel a connection to me".  yet, in that moment, that very thought  shows the vanity that exists. 

all songs are born of some emotion felt by life experiences,  most are clever or subtle or humor is used to buffer the message.  one of my personal funny favorite words are  "let me hold your crown, babe".  it makes me grin every time i hear it.   why do i smile?  because it rings true for me in some place in my life both about people i have known and myself in moments of over self importance.   many of us, if not all of us, find ourselves in lyrics or poetry or some other outside form.  perhaps we are seeking a connection or vindication.  we want to think we are important somewhere and if our feelings are echoed somewhere from someone else we feel less alone.  its like looking at the first footprint on the moon.  it is irrefutable proof that Armstrong was the one (unless you are into conspiracy theories).  

we try to find our footprint everywhere we go.  in our relationships, in our work, in others words or actions.  we lean into conversations or strike them up in order to mine out bits of ourselves.   some of us are willing to stretch the truth or the meaning in order to make it fit.   (mental imagine of square peg, round hole syndrome) or an overblown sense of importance, or expectation that you must be important enough for you to keep popping up in other's daily thoughts and doings.

if you read any comprehsive  book on mental illness, you will find that characteristic listed in several different diagnosis'.  but i think, putting aside mental illness, it is human nature to try to find outselves outside of ourselves.  we want to think we left a footprint, an impression, an emotion even if it is a negative one.  we all want to be remembered in one way or another and sometimes we will settle for a bad impression over no impression.   stepping back from that statement we cringe in horror to think we would do that to ourselves but we are all yearning for the footprint and we are all yearning to be remembered.

even as i post this,  i am an example of vanity.

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