welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Saturday, August 13, 2011

are you talkin' to me?

things i have learned since 2006.

those who cannot write, edit. they are reduced to commentary in red pen on the margins of other people who can write. nobody in their right mind gives a shit about it unless they are bored and need a good laugh. or for some unfortunate twist of fate their job is held hostage to the moron that can't decipher the big picture but can pick apart every piece of their work.

that description fits you jen to a tee. you have never told the truth as to why we broke up. after all we had both been through i really thought that it was a done deal. then one night out of the blue before christmas, you gave me a long rambling speech over the phone about how we really couldn't continue to be together. you were slurring which wasn't unusual for you. with your history of chewing your oxy and drinking and your purposeful manipulation of your lithium because you claimed "you could perform better and faster in your life if you skipped it". but you didn't get what you expected, did you? a needy "oh please don't leave me". the little "baby gay" who was afraid to step out and be on her own. i said a tearful okay and i said goodbye and hung up the phone. much to my surprise you called me the next day and acted as if nothing had happened. i questioned you about the conversation we had the night before. "you broke up with me last night" i said, and you said, "i might have, i don't really remember". then you went on to try to strike up a conversation like nothing ever happened. had you been in front of me i would have looked at you like you were a lunatic but seems you were 3000 miles away i finally let my common sense over ride my insecurity and realized that you were damaging me in ways i could no longer accept.

instead of mourning the loss of a relationship and getting passed it, you have continually stalked me since that night. (i dont even remember when it was... 07?) i wonder how your girlfriend feels about you spending so much mental energy on someone you so obviously hate. i wonder if you picked someone who instead of seeing the disease that is obviously at work in your life, she is "a little bit broken" as you used to say. you always loved them "a little bit broken" easy to manipulate, innocent, on the edge of crisis or someone who has the same personality disorders you have.

i dont love you jen, i dont want you back. i have nothing to work out with you. your clandestine conversations with my ex-girl friend.and my ex husband's wife,. delighting in how good you are at manipulation, double crossing them all and making them look like fools, has been your MO since i've known you. if you know of a word that is lower than fool you can use that to describe yourself... after all you are the editor. this is just a bite of what you were sending me while you playing comrades with the others.

quote: To be perfectly honest, I want you back. I have always wanted you back. I think you know that.
you, jen are a narcissist. you want everyone to be your friend or confidant but you also want all those who you are speaking untruths about to be on your side and trust you as well. you know you have the advantage because as i noted in my blog a few posts back, "everyone loves a good story" especially once you have located their weak points.

you are not the love of my life. you were just my first. i pray like hell that you always stay 3000 miles away from me. and away from my ex-girlfriend, who happens to hold that title (even if we are not together anymore, even if she doen't feel the same) she is the one i think about when i ponder love, and away from my ex-husband's wife, who with all the bad blood that has run between us, i wouldn't wish you on her even at my angriest moment.

i would suggest therapy except that we both know that you dump them the minute you hear something you don't like. i would suggest AA but i have seen how well that works with you. your (ahem) woman problem was so bad that you were bleeding from the yeast infection you had from drinking too much beer. you had bruises all over your body when i came to see you and all you would tell me is that you were meeting with some business partners downtown and didn't really remember getting home. you also refused to take the pills the doctor gave you to help you stop drinking. and then there is your lithium that you choose not to take so you can live in a continual manic state because you think you do your best at life without it.

all of this is directed at YOU. if i speak of "we" i speak from the Old World Dictionary meanings 1 or 2:

World English Dictionary
we (wi?)

— pron
1. refers to the speaker or writer and another person or other people: we should go now
2. refers to all people or people in general: the planet on which we live

NOT number 3: 3. when used by editors, a formal word for i

i can see how you can get confused, being an editor and all. but as you see, if i have something to say to someone i will damn well make sure everyone knows to whom i am speaking. if i say we, i am speaking of the human condition. one thing is true, what you said in your email about my experiences not being the norm. you hit that one right on the head. rarely do whackos terrorize their ex's for as long as you have. rarely do whackos spend so much making sure they are not forgotten whether its in a good light or a bad light. they just want to be recognized and consider themselves a player. in your quest you will hurt anyone, betray everyone that gets in the way just to get to me so that you can feel important, dominant and revired or vindicated.


some of us know better.
some of us just don't give a shit.

here is a good rule of thumb, if the topic is speaking in generalities and it doesn't apply to you then it isn't about you. if by chance you feel like you are looking in a mirror then perhaps you may want to look closer. or you could just shoot your mouth off like you always have.


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