welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Saturday, August 13, 2011

as human beings we can always try to do better. To be better. To right a wrong. Even when it feels irreversible. Of course, I'm sorry doesn't always cut it. Maybe because we use it so many different ways. As a weapon. As an excuse. But, when we are really sorry, when we use it right. When we mean it. When our actions say what words never can. When we get it right "I'm sorry" is perfect. When we get it right, "I'm sorry" is redemption ~GA~
its true we can all do better as human beings.  most of us are haunted by a wrong we have done and it will not leave us until we try to right it.   but what happens when we do our best,  we dip down into the place we keep our sincerity and it is still not right.  its not what the apology was expected it to be.   we stand confused, not understanding why we have given our deep down regrets and apologies and it still isn't enough.  we are confronted with critique and rejection.   what do we do?   perhaps we try to find different words or we fall to our knees submitting to the one we desperately  want forgiveness from.   what happens when we humble ourselves  in front of the person who we love so desperately and  want to break the cycle of anger and they keep pummeling you with more of their disgruntlement.   you have to decide to stay on your knees or get up and resign to the fact that there is something more that you don't have that they desperately need, and we walk away unforgiven.
then we have to forgive ourselves.   not an easy thing to do.  we live inside our selves and see the imperfections and we have to comfort ourselves, remind ourselves that we deserve forgiveness and that when it all comes down to it.  if we dont forgive our selves, regardless of whether or not others have, we will never be  the same.   we will hold back the best of ourselves and we will stop taking chances on new situations.  we seem to look at redemption as a gift we beg for others to give us but we need to learn that often it is us who need to forgive outselves if we ever want to have another good night's sleep and the courage to wake up in the morning and carry on.

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