welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Saturday, August 13, 2011

a change of scenery

a change of scenery is always good for the soul.  most of us get tired of doing the same things over and over seeing the same things over and over.  but the one thing that doesn't seem to change along with the scenery is the simple fact that memories don't behave themselves.  feelings don't behave themselves.  the only thing we are left with is what we choose to do with the pesky things that will always be with us.

we write songs and poetry.  we spend hours at night not sleeping, thinking up "do overs" and "if onlys".  until we are out of our minds with frustration.  resignation is always the last thing we want to entertain.  sometimes it takes years to get there.  sometimes we get there and hate it so much that we step back into the "what if" stage.   we tell ourselves that we have found a new way to fix the problem.  but life always seems to remind us that its time to resign and let go.   we aren't meant to suffer loss perpetually.  life wants us to feel the pain of our mistakes but it urges us on to face the rest of our lives and hopefully we will have spent enough time in the pain that we will try a different path.

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