welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Attaining Homeostasis

In life we are taught that there are seven deadly sins. We all know the big ones... gluttony, pride, lust. But the thing you don't hear much about is anger. Maybe it's because we think anger is not that dangerous, that you can control it. My point is, maybe we don't give anger enough credit. Maybe it can be a lot more dangerous than we think. After all when it comes to destructive behaviour, it did make the top seven.  ~GA~

"homeostasis"  someone said this word the other day.  i haven't heard it for a long time and i had forgotten how much i liked the sound of it.   the word was used in regard to breathing. that moment between breaths when your body has enough oxygen and your lungs are quiet.  then, just like any other living thing we have to breath in again.  small adjustment,  huge results.

emotions in and of themselves are not one of those things that can reach and maintain homeostasis, but our reactions to them and our desire to hold on to them or let them go most certainly is.   exclamations such as "i can't help it" and "you make me..."   are both tediously human and completely incorrect.  we can help it and no one makes us do or say anything.  we choose, whether we want to acknowledge it or not.  

i venture to suggest that we all can choose our own emotional homeostasis as well.   we all face life with a chosen perspective.   we run head long into each situation an angry, grateful, secure or unhappy person or we let situations hit us head on because we are disconnected, depressed or totally apathetic.  all our choice. 

it is odd how much flack one gets when one decides to just be calm and grateful for what they have and who they are and let go of the anger.  i have played around with living in all of the emotions at one time or another.  when i let go of grudges,  forgive myself and others and appear happy just breathing in and out is when it seems to trouble people.  i am called apathetic if i am not angry or when i draw a boundry and keep it, i am cold and hateful.    i have noticed that if someone is angry and suffering they want you to be too. they will say or do anything to draw you in.  if you respond with any other emotion besides anger it just makes them more angry.  of course, the opposite is true as well.  people who live grateful and in contentment want the same for others around them.     This backs up the view that we draw in people and situations into our lives in relationship to where we are with ourselves.

i agree with the quote above.  anger is dangerous and destructive.  it is also miserable to live in anger homostatically.  (there is that word again, love it!)  we imagine anger as something thrown at someone or something else but the truth is, we retain it.  it doesn't go anywhere.  it just sits inside of us and eats away at all the other emotions that we have.  it damages the person holding it much more than the person being hit with it.

gossip is dangerous, (i'm not sure if it specifically made the top 7) i am learning that if you really pay attention you can manuver yourself around them a good part of the time but there is always someone that will betray you no matter how vidulant you are.  and no matter how much we hate it, sometimes we find ourselves gossipping.  its hard to resist on some level because gossips always seem to be busy, popular and having fun. they also seem to be the easiest to sway. speaking from experience, it is effortless and exciting to get sucked into their swirling vortex of terror.  There are those who lie in attempt to make their case air tight.  (definitely top 7) omission, supposition, inferring...  these are interesting tools to use because they are subtle.  with the slightest change in the truth, one can change the entire story, change people's perspective and no one is the wiser.   (although they should be) 

worst case scenerio,  two or more angry, lying, gossips sitting in a room together talking about you.  you are sunk.  people love to believe the worst in others and we all love a good story.

Swirling vortex of terror