welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Friday, April 29, 2011

i'm a little tea pot...

combining  avant garde styling with
 conceptual design is one of
Premier's many fortes
creating a hypnotic ambiance
 through a combination of
semi-translucent colours and complimenting chrome stand.
the Aurora Collection epitomes the
modern life we lead today.

all of this to describe...


now i ask you... don't you think that is a LOT of pressure to put on this little unpretentious tea pot?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


i grew up in the midst of secrets and omissions and "just because" answers that always made me  uncomfortable and always with an underlying feeling of dishonesty and confusion.  whispers and deceptions even when i was too young to understand those words or could name the feelings. i knew something wasn't quite right.  i could see it raining even when they would tell me it was a bright sunny day. the one thing i did know early on is that i didn't question the answers.

when my Baba (grandfather) was diagnosed with advanced prostrate cancer and underwent surgery,  they found it had spread too far throughout his body to do anything but make him comfortable.  my mother and grandmother decided not to tell him he was dying.   how they talked a professional into doing something so unprofessional i will never know.   they told him he had arthritis.  they told him that, because they somehow "knew" if he knew he was dying he would just give up.  so we didn't talk about it.  he declined and died.  he had no idea.  what if he had something to say?  what if he had wanted to do something one more time or for the first time?

i grew up handicapped.  you couldn't/can't see it, not like a physical handicap but handicapped nonetheless.  its like having the crutches or wheelchair in your head instead.  i have always laughed and shook my head at those who refuse to believe in depression, bipolar, schizophenia etc. and inevitably they wave it off with the statement,  "its all in your head."    Ummmm,  YEAH ya think so?!

i lost my sense of discernment. my judgement of people.  it is a struggle for me to trust myself when others are seeing the red flags flying briskly in the wind.  i am working on it.  i have made some really bad choices in some of the people whom i freely given my trust, my money, my body and my heart to.  i miss or ignore bad behavior because i do not trust myself.  i question my  judgement.

i refuse to whisper and hide life from my children.  i refuse to pass on my lack of faith in myself to them.  when something is wrong, sad or sideways, i refuse to tell them that everything is okay.  life is NOT okay sometimes.  sometimes people do bad things.  sometimes people treat them unfairly.  discrimination, sickness, war, genocide, bad behavior in both their peers and the grown ups around them. all sorts of things are their reality and will always be their reality.  how do i raise intelligent, beautiful, confident children without telling the truth about the world around them?  i can't.  i won't.

my children know i have been diagnosed with cancer.  they know what kind it is.  what part of the body its invading and exactly what they did during my out patient surgery.  they know that right now i no long have cancer.  the dr. took it out.  they also know that it could come back.  they know that if it does then there will be another operation that will permanently fix the problem.  they trust me because i tell them the truth.  they trust me because i do not ask them to keep it a secret.  there is no shame in what i am going through and if they feel the need to tell a stranger on the street corner, or a friend, then they can let it fly.  they ask questions of  me everyday.  i answer them truthfully.  they walk away confident in the knowledge that i have given them.  they know why i have been tired and rejoice with me when i am up and playing soccer with them or bocce or swimming in the lake with them (soon).  they know how lucky we are to have the good times.  they understand the hard times.

i will never withhold information from my children.  i will never take the risk of making them second guess themselves because my answers and my body language do not match.  i will not risk their emotional health and safety.  i want them to recognize bullshit when they hear it.  i want them to recognize liars and cheats.  stay away from toxic people who will try to destroy their good nature and inate compassion and doubt their gut feelings.  and i want them to raise their children to do the same.

the bell

i hold all the good things in my hand... metal solid green with flowers painted on it.  it has a bell inside it.   i hold it in my right hand,  fingers extended out, cradled in the my palm and find my rhythm... back and forth slowly and i close my eyes.   i focus on the sound and  the rocking motion.  i try to anchor myself to the here and now.  the rhythm centers in the middle of my body.  i sit within life's uncomfortableness, (not a place i prefer to be) breathing deep into my lungs and then letting go, expelling the stress, guilt, sadness, frustration, mourning, aching, the heartaches that life just seems to throw at us all to see who can duck fast enough.  again and again,  i breathe in, shocked at how much more is waiting inside to be gathered up and released.  i have become able to keep my eyes closed for an hour.  it surprises me how in tune i am becoming to the time passing, the rhythm, to the sound of the bell and my intentional breathing.
i move my bell to my left hand and it is a struggle to find a pleasing rhythm.  it sounds different.  my breathing is not rhythmic, i can't catch my breath and i struggle to understand what it means.  (and i don't mean, duh, you're right handed stupid)   it seems to be telling me there may be a different rhythm for it. or a different reason for it.  i can literally feel the bell and my palm get frustrated with my inability to understand, to connect, to concentrate. my left hand is wanting something different from what it wants from in my right.  i don't know what it is.
perhaps my left hand needs to grip it.  remain silent and just remind me that it is there.  that it is solid, permanent like my heart and my soul, that i am here,  i am now.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Emotional Graveyards

I was on my way from grocery shopping and ended up behind a funeral procession. It was the cemetery next to the Walmart my last husband runs. I always referred to it was the "shop till you drop" cemetery. As I sat patiently watching each car turn into the driveway of the cemetery I was thinking how the whole viewing-funeral-internment thing is our way to mourn publicly. We have lost someone important and we go through all these things to show how much we loved them and will miss them. Everyone looks at you with the knowledge that something big and sad has happened in your life. They avert their eyes, give a second or to of extra consideration and always try to say something kind about your lost loved one and something to bring hope to your grief. As a whole, its a wonderful outlet of public sadness.

As the last car turned and I was allowed to continue on my way home I began to wonder. If there were such things as emotional graveyards how many of the cars on the road would be on their way there with their blinkers on waiting to turn into the driveway? How nice it would be to be able to publicly be recognized as grieving. Have people look at us and just know "she's lost someone....she is sad, smile and say something nice." Validate our pain. Let us cry at the drop of a hat and not ask why. Bring a casserole over afterward.....hey we all need to eat!

We lose a relationship that is important to us. A dream. A belief. And we just have to get up and get on with things. There is no ceremony for us. No one can even tell the kind of death we have experienced or if we try to explain many people will not give it the gravity it should have (we believe it should have) . Its heartache without a body. Its not tangible. We can't gather around a casket and see the loss. We can only feel it individually. No casserole.

Walking wounded. Angry, mournful. Perhaps the bars are where we go to publicly mourn? The candy store? Underneath the covers of a bed we won't rise from? Tears that betray us when we are trying to read a bedtime story to our children? We struggle up for air and pray for the day it doesn't hurt when we breathe. And no one knows it. And the day it doesn't hurt? No one knows that either. Its a silent struggle with a silent healing. From the outside no one ever knows we just got back from the cemetery.

Friday, April 22, 2011


Tom Shadyac, director of hit movies Bruce Almighty, Liar, Liar and Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, is coming to Boise to promote his documentary, I AM and introduce one of the subjects of that film at a lecture. Check out these events, starting May 5, First Thursday in Boise:

Thursday, May 5:  Lynn McTaggart Lecture, The author of "The Bond" will be introduced by I AM director Tom Shadyac. Egyptian Theatre, Book Signing & Sale, 5-7pm; Lecture, 7pm, $25

Friday, May 6: Screenings of I AM at The Flicks, 1pm, 3pm and 5pm, regular price. Special screening at 7pm with Tom Shadyac for an extended Director's Discussion after the film, $30.

Saturday, May 7: LeadersCausingLeaders.com, Seminar on "Projects from the Heart" with Filmmakers Ken Schwenker and Ben Shedd, BSU Professor Clay Morgan, Agent Lisa Clapier, and Film Office Manager Peg Owens. Sun Ray Cafe, 14th & Eastman in Boise, 10am-5pm.

Writers and screenwriters will learn publishing and film industry standards, learn how to get an agent or manager, hone their professionalism, and realize their goals. $49 includes one submission of book or screenplay for a serious evaluation/submission process.

Tickets for Lynne McTaggart available at The Egyptian. Tickets for I AM available at The Flicks. See LeadersCausingLeaders.com for Seminar tickets.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

blessed by the people in my life

sitting here, in my bedroom, listening down the hallway  to dani singing My Girl on her guitar.

i used to, i still do,  describe my ex husband's voice as a "chocolate milk" voice.  dani's is "southern smooth" i think.   she  just picked up her banjo and started playing "dueling banjos"  to see if i was actually listening.  LOL!   i handed her the soundtrack to Andy Griffith.  i told her that as long as she knows it by morning she can play dueling banjos anytime she wants to as long as she doesn't scream "squeal like a pig" EVER.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

happy birthday to my sweet son...

he is on his way to Las Vegas with his dad and grandfather to do whatever it is boys/men do in vegas.  from what i understand they all periced their ears...  don't know what that was about but more power to them!   i told him to take pictures...  

this is ryan going through is paranoid phase after watching Signs

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

just silence...

uncomfortable silences.  i often wonder why they are uncomfortable?  why can't we let words echo in our ears or the night air and enjoy them like the distant sounds of a wind chime blowing in the wind?   why do we interpret silence as a rebuff?  perhaps the woman who you whisper "i love you" to just wants to hear it in her ear and reverberate over her body?

it can be such a erotic silence.  perhaps neither of you speak but connect eye to eye.  do you trust her?  do you trust yourself?  is it a matter of confidence and self esteem?  why can't we just trust that you both are where you want to be, wrapped, entangled, breathing into each other without words?

silence can be beautiful.

Friday, April 15, 2011

from a distance i get so much vision

I went for a long walk yesterday...   I ran half way.   I refuse to let the shadow of 50 to hover over me and my possible cancer reoccurrance to have any power over me.   I have a friend who is waiting for me to follow her up a hill.  I want to reach the hilltop and look over the city that I live.  From a distance...

From a distance the world looks blue and green,
and the snow-capped mountains white.
From a distance the ocean meets the stream,
and the eagle takes to flight.

From a distance, there is harmony,
and it echoes through the land.
It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace,
it's the voice of every man.

From a distance we all have enough,
and no one is in need.
And there are no guns, no bombs, and no disease,
no hungry mouths to feed.

From a distance we are instruments
marching in a common band.
Playing songs of hope, playing songs of peace.
They're the songs of every man.
God is watching us. God is watching us.
God is watching us from a distance.

From a distance you look like my friend,
even though we are at war.
From a distance I just cannot comprehend
what all this fighting is for.

From a distance there is harmony,
and it echoes through the land.
And it's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves,
it's the heart of every man.

It's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves.
This is the song of every man.
And God is watching us, God is watching us,
God is watching us from a distance.
Oh, God is watching us, God is watching.
God is watching us from a distance...

~Bette Midler~
*Click For Video*

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

just a phone call...

i left my cancer in the doctor's office!  i said it was my intention... days before, hours before, and right before the proceedure and today they called and told me i'm all right!  my cervix is pink, perhaps, still in shock but once healing of tissue takes place I AM PERFECT and ready to take on my first test.  the boise foothills...  pictures to come!  give me a month... and give my trainer time to find a month... we will stand on top with pictures of triumph! 

 blessings falling like rain...  may they fall around you as well

Monday, April 11, 2011

never too early...

its wonderful to wake up before the rest of the world. to watch the trees yawn and turn toward the sunrise. birds waking and snacking on the worms which came to the surface. the sidewalk dries slowly and the newly groomed lawn puffs its chest as if to say, "see! i am remembered and well taken care of". I glanced out the window just now. the sun is still sleeping those last minutes. i wait in glorious expectation!

Friday, April 8, 2011

one day post op...

i am happy to say that all went well. i had a close friend come with me to hold my hand. what an awesome thing to do for someone, thank you ms. friend! the best line of the day was when ms. friend shyly asks me if she could see what a cervix looks like and i said yes. she walked around the other side of the table and says, "wow look at that! you can slice though it just like butter!" holy crap LOL! the doctor thinks my friend missed her calling.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Friday, April 1, 2011

"top ten things that my roomate would say to me if i die from cancer"

of course ours goes to eleven...
11. wait.. where's the rent?
10. can i have your car?
9.   what did we decide midge was short for?
8.   we really were just friends!
7.   what do you mean "i get the cat"?
6.   at least i don't have to say "cervix" anymore!
5.   okay! i will usher for you next sunday
4.   can i have your left over meds?
3.   i always wanted a laptop
2.   remember, i dont do CPR
and the number one thing my roomate would say to me if i die from cancer.
what did YOU hear? i heard, "i love you"!