welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


i grew up in the midst of secrets and omissions and "just because" answers that always made me  uncomfortable and always with an underlying feeling of dishonesty and confusion.  whispers and deceptions even when i was too young to understand those words or could name the feelings. i knew something wasn't quite right.  i could see it raining even when they would tell me it was a bright sunny day. the one thing i did know early on is that i didn't question the answers.

when my Baba (grandfather) was diagnosed with advanced prostrate cancer and underwent surgery,  they found it had spread too far throughout his body to do anything but make him comfortable.  my mother and grandmother decided not to tell him he was dying.   how they talked a professional into doing something so unprofessional i will never know.   they told him he had arthritis.  they told him that, because they somehow "knew" if he knew he was dying he would just give up.  so we didn't talk about it.  he declined and died.  he had no idea.  what if he had something to say?  what if he had wanted to do something one more time or for the first time?

i grew up handicapped.  you couldn't/can't see it, not like a physical handicap but handicapped nonetheless.  its like having the crutches or wheelchair in your head instead.  i have always laughed and shook my head at those who refuse to believe in depression, bipolar, schizophenia etc. and inevitably they wave it off with the statement,  "its all in your head."    Ummmm,  YEAH ya think so?!

i lost my sense of discernment. my judgement of people.  it is a struggle for me to trust myself when others are seeing the red flags flying briskly in the wind.  i am working on it.  i have made some really bad choices in some of the people whom i freely given my trust, my money, my body and my heart to.  i miss or ignore bad behavior because i do not trust myself.  i question my  judgement.

i refuse to whisper and hide life from my children.  i refuse to pass on my lack of faith in myself to them.  when something is wrong, sad or sideways, i refuse to tell them that everything is okay.  life is NOT okay sometimes.  sometimes people do bad things.  sometimes people treat them unfairly.  discrimination, sickness, war, genocide, bad behavior in both their peers and the grown ups around them. all sorts of things are their reality and will always be their reality.  how do i raise intelligent, beautiful, confident children without telling the truth about the world around them?  i can't.  i won't.

my children know i have been diagnosed with cancer.  they know what kind it is.  what part of the body its invading and exactly what they did during my out patient surgery.  they know that right now i no long have cancer.  the dr. took it out.  they also know that it could come back.  they know that if it does then there will be another operation that will permanently fix the problem.  they trust me because i tell them the truth.  they trust me because i do not ask them to keep it a secret.  there is no shame in what i am going through and if they feel the need to tell a stranger on the street corner, or a friend, then they can let it fly.  they ask questions of  me everyday.  i answer them truthfully.  they walk away confident in the knowledge that i have given them.  they know why i have been tired and rejoice with me when i am up and playing soccer with them or bocce or swimming in the lake with them (soon).  they know how lucky we are to have the good times.  they understand the hard times.

i will never withhold information from my children.  i will never take the risk of making them second guess themselves because my answers and my body language do not match.  i will not risk their emotional health and safety.  i want them to recognize bullshit when they hear it.  i want them to recognize liars and cheats.  stay away from toxic people who will try to destroy their good nature and inate compassion and doubt their gut feelings.  and i want them to raise their children to do the same.

No comments:

Post a Comment