welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

the bell

i hold all the good things in my hand... metal solid green with flowers painted on it.  it has a bell inside it.   i hold it in my right hand,  fingers extended out, cradled in the my palm and find my rhythm... back and forth slowly and i close my eyes.   i focus on the sound and  the rocking motion.  i try to anchor myself to the here and now.  the rhythm centers in the middle of my body.  i sit within life's uncomfortableness, (not a place i prefer to be) breathing deep into my lungs and then letting go, expelling the stress, guilt, sadness, frustration, mourning, aching, the heartaches that life just seems to throw at us all to see who can duck fast enough.  again and again,  i breathe in, shocked at how much more is waiting inside to be gathered up and released.  i have become able to keep my eyes closed for an hour.  it surprises me how in tune i am becoming to the time passing, the rhythm, to the sound of the bell and my intentional breathing.
i move my bell to my left hand and it is a struggle to find a pleasing rhythm.  it sounds different.  my breathing is not rhythmic, i can't catch my breath and i struggle to understand what it means.  (and i don't mean, duh, you're right handed stupid)   it seems to be telling me there may be a different rhythm for it. or a different reason for it.  i can literally feel the bell and my palm get frustrated with my inability to understand, to connect, to concentrate. my left hand is wanting something different from what it wants from in my right.  i don't know what it is.
perhaps my left hand needs to grip it.  remain silent and just remind me that it is there.  that it is solid, permanent like my heart and my soul, that i am here,  i am now.

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