secrets

i grew up in the midst of secrets and omissions and "just because" answers that always made me  uncomfortable and always with an underlying feeling of dishonesty and confusion.  whispers and deceptions even when i was too young to understand those words or could name the feelings. i knew something wasn't quite right.  i could see it raining even when they would tell me it was a bright sunny day. the one thing i did know early on is that i didn't question the answers.

when my Baba (grandfather) was diagnosed with advanced prostrate cancer and underwent surgery,  they found it had spread too far throughout his body to do anything but make him comfortable.  my mother and grandmother decided not to tell him he was dying.   how they talked a professional into doing something so unprofessional i will never know.   they told him he had arthritis.  they told him that, because they somehow "knew" if he knew he was dying he would just give up.  so we didn't talk about it.  he declined and died.  he had no idea.  what if he had something to say?  what if he had wanted to do something one more time or for the first time?

i grew up handicapped.  you couldn't/can't see it, not like a physical handicap but handicapped nonetheless.  its like having the crutches or wheelchair in your head instead.  i have always laughed and shook my head at those who refuse to believe in depression, bipolar, schizophenia etc. and inevitably they wave it off with the statement,  "its all in your head."    Ummmm,  YEAH ya think so?!

i lost my sense of discernment. my judgement of people.  it is a struggle for me to trust myself when others are seeing the red flags flying briskly in the wind.  i am working on it.  i have made some really bad choices in some of the people whom i freely given my trust, my money, my body and my heart to.  i miss or ignore bad behavior because i do not trust myself.  i question my  judgement.

i refuse to whisper and hide life from my children.  i refuse to pass on my lack of faith in myself to them.  when something is wrong, sad or sideways, i refuse to tell them that everything is okay.  life is NOT okay sometimes.  sometimes people do bad things.  sometimes people treat them unfairly.  discrimination, sickness, war, genocide, bad behavior in both their peers and the grown ups around them. all sorts of things are their reality and will always be their reality.  how do i raise intelligent, beautiful, confident children without telling the truth about the world around them?  i can't.  i won't.

my children know i have been diagnosed with cancer.  they know what kind it is.  what part of the body its invading and exactly what they did during my out patient surgery.  they know that right now i no long have cancer.  the dr. took it out.  they also know that it could come back.  they know that if it does then there will be another operation that will permanently fix the problem.  they trust me because i tell them the truth.  they trust me because i do not ask them to keep it a secret.  there is no shame in what i am going through and if they feel the need to tell a stranger on the street corner, or a friend, then they can let it fly.  they ask questions of  me everyday.  i answer them truthfully.  they walk away confident in the knowledge that i have given them.  they know why i have been tired and rejoice with me when i am up and playing soccer with them or bocce or swimming in the lake with them (soon).  they know how lucky we are to have the good times.  they understand the hard times.

i will never withhold information from my children.  i will never take the risk of making them second guess themselves because my answers and my body language do not match.  i will not risk their emotional health and safety.  i want them to recognize bullshit when they hear it.  i want them to recognize liars and cheats.  stay away from toxic people who will try to destroy their good nature and inate compassion and doubt their gut feelings.  and i want them to raise their children to do the same.

happy birthday to my hannah banana!

http://afunnythinghappenedonthewaytotheforum.blogspot.com/2008/04/happy-birthday-to-my-april-fools-baby.html

i hear giggling in the living room from secret doings from a bunch of 12 year olds... hummmm... what are they up to?

sound travels...

it is one of my favorite sounds...  its my babies tucked tight into their beds on the few nights i am "allowed" to have them.  they share the master suite downstairs and my bedroom is right above theirs and their happy silly beautiful voices float up through the heating ducts in the house.  sometimes i will just lay in bed and listen to them conversing.  sometimes laughing.  sometimes fighting (which is followed by the inevitable stomping up the stairs for a chance to state their cases.)   most nights it turns into a counseling session on other people's feelings...  neither one of them is ever declared the winner of the fight when the dispute is taken to the higher court of mom's bedroom.   but they keep trying.  or perhaps  that is the reason they keep coming back.   we work it out,  figure out where each went wrong and sometimes still have to declare that life isn't fair.   but with me,  there really has to be some HUGE wrong done before anyone walks away with a punishment.  i look at it as a teaching moment about empathy and communication.  but i think i have digressed here...  i was talking about the sounds of their voices.   tonight before i left their room they kept asking for one more hug, one more kiss, one more, one more, one more...  finally in exasperation i said they needed to stop and settle down.   my eldest said,  but its the last night...   i said jokingly, "not forever, just a couple weeks".   the baby said "that is forever".   i told them, as i always do when they bring this up, that if i could be with them everyday all day long i would.  if i could change it, i would.  i put on a brave face and reason with them that 2 weeks isn't that very long and i kiss them again and turn off the light.

but they are right.  it is forever.  their childhood years have been portioned out to me in thimbles.   i understand now just how hard and heartbreaking it must have been for my first ex husband when i announced i was moving to a different state with his young children.  i took precious time away from not only him but from his children as well.  it was wrong for me to do that.  it is wrong for what is happening to my children now.

i suddenly had the need tonight to return downstairs to tell them again how much i love them.  i am sure when they heard my footsteps on the stairs that the hammer was coming down on their past bedtime silliness but instead i knocked and went in quietly.  i sat on the bed and grinned at them and reminded them that sound travels a lot in the house.  they both grinned back at me.   i took out their lotion and rubbed each of their backs praying a silent prayer that they could feel the love flowing into their skin and the gentle touch of a mother who misses them so much that i find it difficult to breathe on tuesdays when i drop them off at school knowing that its going to be forever before i see them, mother them, again.

the uneven distribution of custody hurts my heart but i am a big girl, i can deal with it.  but what it is doing to the girls is damaging them forever.  the time taken from them and their mother can never be replaced.  not with other people.  not with fun things to do.  not with money and cool stuff.   it is also damaging the way these girls feel and their opinions about the adults around them who are continuing to cause the conflict.  i really don't know if its even occurred to them.  how very tragic for everyone involved.

more than slobs...

we are ARTISTS!  

today for no reason at all the girls decided to work on their own art projects.  they had these circular packing cardboard materials akin to wrapping paper rolls that you would use a swords to beat each other up with at christmas while your parents tried really hard not to scream at you.   and each decided what they could make them into...  i told them i would judge a winner and they would get a prize...  one saw a tipi,  one saw a telescope.

they both started working on their own thing before i even got out of bed...  emma asked to cut up a dish towel that had the perfect design for a tipi... "of course" i replied.   hannah found wrapping paper after she duct taped the ends together.  she hated it.  so she contemplated as she watched me sweep the thirsty hardwood floors and mumble about all the candy wrappers and other odd things that i couldn't identify which was being captured by my broom... it was, for lack of a better word perfect fodder to do the mother complaining thing. (yes i finally got out of bed and did something)

as hannah watched me, she became interested in some of the "stuff" that was being gathered in the corner.  something clicked inside her head. (i don't know where she gets that) but she began picking out her treasures from the ever growing pile.  her telescope began to be decorated with candy wrappers, old movie tickets, cellophane, and frankly other unidentifiable material.  one actually said, "pull my tail".

i realized, once she covered her creation, yeah, her ENTIRE creation, with crap that we have contributed to the thirsty hardwood floors, it hit me.  (i wonder were i get that from?)  from now on we have declared ourselves artists not slobs.  tomorrow the blank canvas will be hung on the dining room wall and we will pick up the interesting crap that we find on the floor and other places and create a collage and we will call it art.

of course, pictures will continue show up to update you our work.  once it is done, we will title it.  but it must find it's identity first.

as for the winner.  well i told them it is an impossible task to judge a tipi against a telescope, especially seems they are not finished.  we need craft supplies.  so they both win.  actually we all win.  i am not sure what.  i will think of something.

sorry they are sidewise. yes sidewise is a word. but i can't seem to flip them.  i encourage you to pick up your computer and turn it sidewise to view properly...