welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Saturday, July 2, 2011

enjoy it while it lasts? i dunno... maybe no title at all

after the house got quiet, i walked outside to find kitty.   i looked around at all of my ideas that dani turned into reality.  i lit candles turned on the lights and decided that for one time, maybe the last time i will sleep in the garden of eden she had created for me as a diversion during such very scary times....  perhaps tomorrow i can convince the girls to sleep out here with me.   we did it last year.  all four of us.  that was when my partner was part of my life.   we tried to stay awake for a meteor shower but we all pooped out.   it was one of my favorite memories here in this house.

so i will sleep.  perhaps to dream about the love this house was suppose represent when I moved here.  my chestnut haired girl and my two beautiful children.  we came so close to being a family.  may my dreams soften my saddness of complete failure.   may God hear my prayers:

thank you lord for giving one more year to try to heal my relationship.  thank you for all the beauty that was surrounding me during the hard things that came my way this year.  and please send me off to sleep with my favorite memories of all of those i love so deeply.  may you soothe my chestnut haired girl and soften her heart so that she too can continue through the life you gave us and find love and joy.