authentic self

 the authentic self is really our only path we have to find salvation... so many of us are desperately trying to find ourselves... without being whole we can never be a part of a half...

each time i hear this song it brings me another "gift".  thoughts of how singular our lives are.  how connected we all can be.   how important that odd connection is.   

 singular, we want to be complete. we want to be good company to ourselves.  we want to amuse ourselves in our own heads and experiences.  we want memories to be like a warm dip into the hot springs.   acceptance and happiness instead of regrets or loneliness for what is gone or greediness because it didn't last as long as we wanted it to.  or sadness because in the singularity we find ourselves, we feel an empty instead of a blessing.

we get so tied up in day to day "have to's" that we lose pieces of ourselves.  or we forget them, thinking that we can find them again when and if we have the time.  every now and then we think back and wonder where did i go?   i really liked me then.  now i don't even know me. sometimes it takes so long to remember, that we are not even sure it is really us we are remembering.  perhaps it was a dream of what we needed to be exactly how we wanted to be but knew we couldn't really be.

family and friends.  i grew up in the LDS church and had the "families are forever" mantra drilled into my head from the moment i walked through the threshold of  the 5th ward.  i never learned to think of forever.   life changes too much, too fast. how could anything last forever? i never could wrap my head around that belief.   friends disappear, die,  lovers dissolve, seasons betray me.  i am 50 next year,  do you know i still naively believe  in the endless summer?   i am  so stunned as i look out the window and see the trees changing colors and settling down for the winter to come.  i am doing that as i speak, beautiful yellow with a back drop of still green trees.  I sip my wine in disbelief. and ponder things i can't express.

children.  they are the most wonderful experiences i have or will ever have in my life.  yet with every day you teach them to learn to live without you, away from you, singular and hopefully whole in their singularity.  when i think about them, i miss every single day of their lives.  every laugh, every tear and i pray.  i pray that they are on their own journey of self.  i pray that there will be more times that i share with them to add to my book of memories.  but forever just doesn't fit inside the cover of the book of my life.   even the bible has a back cover.

reach with all your might... your hand hold will be there....

Jesus told his disciples to cross to the other side of the lake as he dismissed the crowd.   then afterward he went to the hills to pray.   during this time his disciples became  embroiled by a high sea and it frightened them as they were tossed about by the wind in the waves.  they cried out in fear "Jesus! Save Us!"      in the distance they saw a figure walking toward them above the waves.  They cried out "its a ghost!"    Jesus voice rang out above the wind wailing and the sound of the waves pounding against the boat.   "it is I, Jesus... do not be afraid"    Peter speaks, my Lord if you are there walking above the water and are safe,  lord if its you, tell me to meet you in the water and Jesus said come.... peter walked upon the water until he was overcome by the fear of the weather. and the wind buffting him and he broke his gaze with Jesus and  began to sink.    Peter cried out!   Save me my Lord!   and Jesus reached out to Peter  and he was saved.   "Yea of little faith. why did you doubt me?    they climbed into the boat the winds died down and all the disciples praised him as the true Messiah

"c" is for cultivation

as promised, i planted a garden today.  we planted a garden today.  god bless gardens and god bless roomates with sarcastic humor.  i have a sunburn and a backache that has nothing to do with being sick. 



Gardens are like churches,
each flower a sacred prayer raised up to the heavens,
reaching for light and warmth and goodness,
barefoot I walk amongst them,
silently hoping God sees me as well...

soon with faith and careful tending, twenty packets of pink and white cosmos will poke their heads above the fresh peat moss and top soil. 

"c" is for cervical cancer

at least they skipped my birthday and waited a day, although really,  i care nothing of my birthday except the dis-ease my laissez fare attitude toward it affects those around me who honestly want to do something for me or give me or just the opportunity to wish me well.  so the first line of this post is perpetuating a lie...  they could have called me on my birthday and it wouldn't have mattered.  i won't again associate the diagnosis with the date.   its a lie and uncovers opportunistic tendencies i have to transmit my desire to perform for a compassionate audience and act out my tendency to curl up into the fetal position, rock and wait for rescue. pray for rescue.  pretend to be powerless and helpless.  let depression swallow me up and act as if i don't care.  i don't know why i am like that but that is what my counselor is for...  we are figuring it out.

i have stage 2 cervical cancer.  it is not a death sentence.  by this time next thursday i will be finished with the procedure and start a 5 year waiting game  or i will find someone to just take out the damn thing altogether.  its not like i need a womb anymore and i have been irritated that i have to have a menstrual cycle since the day i had my last baby.   take my cervix...please. 

yes, i am sick and i feel so freakin tired...   tomorrow i will go outside and plant a garden.  i will feel sick and tired then too but i will also begin the steps back to renewal and do the interpretive dance of faith by planting seeds and knowing that if i water them they will stand up with awesome beauty and strength.