welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


for over a year now i have been describing myself as "almost 50".   not for any particular reason other than it sounded fun.  50 yowza!  i am not sure how i got here but i must have actively participated in it.

i think about my 40's as a time of change and spiritual travel as well as pregnant  with many losses and many founds.   9/11 marks the loss of my innocence of thinking that we were safe from the violence in other parts of the world.   it was a foolish innocence to have in the first place.  there are no guarantees.  i gave birth to my last baby.   i also heard a voice telling me it was time to start paying attention to the reasons i was living my life the way i was and why i was so uncomfortable.  it was the assumption that i was supposed to do everything in my power to make everyone else happy and everything perfect in order to measure my self worth.  it was a foolish assumption to have in the first place as well.

i came out as a lesbian at 44.  left my husband's house and set out to figure out what all of that meant.  i fell in love twice in my forties and learned that having the right person to direct my emotional and physical love towards was intoxicating and wonderful.  i learned too that heartaches hurt just as bad.

i went back to school and earned a AS degree.   i went out job hunting which seems to be a never ending non-paying job for me. when you tell people you haven't worked outside the home for 12 years they look at you like you are a rare type of insect.  interesting to view but not something you want flying around your office.

i found my higher power after thinking i would never bother to look again.   i changed my name.  i found major flaws in my character and relationship issues which stem from other decades of my life.  i found good counseling.   i found some really good friends.   i lost some very good friends.  i lost my step mother. 

reading  back over this, it seems obvious why i am so tired.   i have some time yet before my 50ish-ness begins.  i need to clean up the house of my 40's to make sure there is room for my 50's.  i need to clean the dust bunnies out from under all the dark spaces.  i look at my counselor as my psychic organizer.  she points out the areas that need attention and hands me the broom.   i intend to begin it with more grace, more insight, more compassion, more joy, less fear, less dust bunnies.  a job.

No comments:

Post a Comment