more than...: "c" is for cervical cancer

welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Thursday, March 31, 2011

"c" is for cervical cancer

at least they skipped my birthday and waited a day, although really, i care nothing of my birthday except the dis-ease my laissez fare attitude toward it affects those around me who honestly want to do something for me or give me or just the opportunity to wish me well. so the first line of this post is perpetuating a lie... they could have called me on my birthday and it wouldn't have mattered. i won't again associate the diagnosis with the date.   its a lie and uncovers opportunistic tendencies i have to transmit my desire to perform for a compassionate audience and act out my tendency to curl up into the fetal position, rock and wait for rescue. pray for rescue. pretend to be powerless and helpless. let depression swallow me up and act as if i don't care. i don't know why i am like that but that is what my counselor is for... we are figuring it out.

i have stage 2 cervical cancer. it is not a death sentence. by this time next thursday i will be finished with the procedure and start a 5 year waiting game or i will find someone to just take out the damn thing altogether. its not like i need a womb anymore and i have been irritated that i have to have a menstrual cycle since the day i had my last baby.   take my cervix...please.

yes, i am sick and i feel so freakin tired...   tomorrow i will go outside and plant a garden. i will feel sick and tired then too but i will also begin the steps back to renewal and do the interpretive dance of faith by planting seeds and knowing that if i water them they will stand up with awesome beauty and strength.