more than...: all i need...

welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Friday, June 24, 2011

all i need...

All I need is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better
All I need to write is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better

It found me to hold me
But I don't like it at all
Won't feed it,
Won't grow it
It's folded in my stomach;
It's not fair,
I found love;
It made me say that.
Get back,
You'll never see daylight;
If I'm not strong it just might.

All I need is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better
All I need to write is a bitter song
To make me better
I feel better
I feel better
i want to, i want to write a bitter song, i want to be filled with vengeance, with revenge, with hate and a well laid plan to lay bare flesh straight to the nerves. it hits me but my higher power is always there to put a hand on my shoulder to remind me that it is the bigger picture that matters. not today, not tomorrow but my entire time that (s)he has given me on the stage that will be measured. that every one's time will be measured not in drops but in the waterfall we create. it comforts me because i know that we all have a chance, a choice, everyday at living without living in fear, without creating fear, without hating, without living with hate, without betrayal, without living with the betrayal done to us.

i fall into peace for a while. i can see a day that i will take a breath that will fill every inch of my lungs and be able to feel nourished. but it seems as if the minute the hand is lifted from me to attend to others who need even more than i, the blackness comes back. slowly. i begin to wonder if i made the wrong decision to hang up on T when surprisingly enough she contacted me, asking for another. asking for information. my blood at that moment ran cold even though i had been living for a long while with my temperature hot with rage. mama bear raised up and wanted to eat her alive. i still wanted to protect. i began to wonder why. i began to wonder if i should call that number back and regurgitate all her personal information. an eye for an eye.

then the hand, reaches for me again. and i realize i would never subject someone else to the hell i am going through.

~this song has been interpreted as the refusal to ever let love come into her (songwriter) life. i can relate to this feeling as well. when everyone is privy to your every move and threats are made to those who dare to try to get to know you. when you don't know the face of your enemies, you better believe i understand it. i do hope that one day i will trust someone again. i refuse to let others isolate me~