welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Sunday, June 5, 2011


 our day turned out to look a bit different than planned.  different work, more play.

we walked to the dollar store to buy a bat and a ball that won't break windows.  we came away with a little bit more than that but we had a blast buying crap and i made up a bieber song using my own words about how the girls were going home to clean their rooms.  the customers were laughing, my tween was pretending not to know me and surprisingly enough the little turtle suddenly pulled her head back out of her shell and got into the groove of the moment, even though she didn't like the message of the song.

by the time we got home, i couldn't bring myself to make the girls to go downstairs to clean their room.  it was 80 degrees today...  no rain, it was a weather miracle!  so we went outside and played baseball.  now when playing baseball with only one person  on your team, you pretty much know you're gonna tank.  it does make the other team very happy and giggly though.   also if you are playing baseball on the lawn it becomes a diamond and thus does not require mowing (sorry man servant).

of course, my two cannot play too long before they get in a fight, even if they are on the same team and winning by 9,  so eventually, i did send them downstairs to transform their pile of junk into a room.   wierd thing is, they did!

by then we couldn't resist the smell dancing around us coming from the Greek festival just blocks away so off we went for shopping, dining and dancing. 

first shopping (of course).  all this beautiful silver jewelry.  my girls ooooh'd and awww'd over everything.  at one point they made me try on this beautiful thick silver wristband.  it was stunning but it was $70 which was also stunning.  besides that while wearing it, i had an odd mental image of me as wonder woman.  only without the crown the impossible waist, long thighs and the CFM boots.  my girls know we are on a tight budget but i asked them after they had given it all the once over, "if they could have one thing what would they want"  (not something they are used to hearing)  and they ran over to a little basket with stretch rings with beads on them.   they carefully picked out their bling and left beaming at the unexpected treasure.

then we waited in line for the deliciousness.  we feasted on the macaroni dish and green beans in a maranara sauce.  oh and the entire sampler box of Greek pastries.  and we enjoyed the entertainment. oddly enough the turtle got into the groove again and got up with me and danced.  they tried to teach us a traditional dance and although we tried our feet were always flying in the wrong direction.  we laughed as we kicked each other in the shin.   its been a long time since i have danced.  longer still since i have danced with one of my daughters.

prayer in the chapel

"is God here in this church too?" over heard from a young child. "God is everywhere." said parent who saw i was enjoying her child's question and smiled at me. "how does he have time to do that?" said the puzzled child. "frequent flyer miles" begged to pop out of my mouth but i censored myself. i didn't hear what the mom said to the child but it was late in the day and she had that look, so i am sure it was something generic. i don't blame her. i have been a tired mom of an inquisitive child before and i remember feeling generic as well.

when we got home and getting ready for bed, my youngest was remarking on the fact that she still had a dollar.  "no you don't honey,"  i said,  "you gave it to God when you lit your candle."   suddenly remembering, she got a thoughtful face and asked if i thought God gives refunds.  i burst out laughing but didn't say anything to her because frankly,  i don't know the answer to that question either.