welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

roses fade...

yesterday the landlord came over and trimmed back the bushes for me.  before i knew it though they were on the front west side of my house "trimming" back the rose bushes.  i say "trimming" that way because when they were done every bloom was gone and the bushes were knee high.

i have been comforted by the smell of the explosion of roses i could see from my bedroom.  i cut one of its best when i visited my pastor and  delighted watching her appreciate it's fragrance and her insistence that she find a vase to put it in.  its all gone now.  i don't like the wind but because of the roses i had made my peace with it.  its brought me delight with every movement of my drapes.   now though, its just wind.   i think i hate it again.

it reminded me that this is not my home, its my landlord's.  i am just paying for the privilege.   though i am blessed to have a roof over my head for me and my girls,  this is not my home.