welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Thursday, September 1, 2011

an address...

i had to leave where i lived. it was like living in the middle of Love Canal and refusing to leave "because it of the intention of the whole thing". so what if she had got there first. once we were separated we pined for each other so much that we would actually have her come stay during the week that i had my girls so we could at least touch paradise even if the minute we waved goodbye to them we were scratching each others eyes out and i was helping her pack her over night bag.

yet the minute the house came up for rent next to her she called me all excited! she ran over to talk to carl and give him the best reference i have never had to pay for. she wanted me there. i wanted me there. we hoped that we could mend the fences and keep our "family" together.

we tried for a year and depending on which version and which person you ask, it didn't work for more than 3 days at a time. (personal joke that i hope one day we will both be able to embrace).

it wasn't about being the one that gave up first or the one with the least amount of pride or stubbornness. it came down to feeling as if i didn't leave i was going to quit existing. i gained almost 100lbs. i isolated myself and gave up ever believing i had a place in the community. i put down my camera and quit dancing. if any of you know me you know that is not me. i had to leave.

i didn't go far. but i wake up to a lake in the morning pretending that next year i will swim all the way across. i have a pool and a video red box in the lobby with a basketball court and a weight room. the green belt runs right by the lake and i watch beautiful sunsets every night.

i also have something that i didn't really have before. neighbors. not down the street neighbors but next door neighbors. i have met some of the most kind and diverse people here. i had neighbors manage to get my couch into my apartment without getting out the chain saw. they help me up the stairs if i over buy food. and always say hello.

last night, sitting here late (as usual) i heard loud voices and two female screams. i grabbed my cell and walked over to the door. i stood there, still hearing loud voices but i couldn't tell what they were saying. then one more loud scream followed but out male yelling. and i knocked. the entire floor went quiet. i am sure they were staring out their keyhole to see a 50 year old woman covering her face praying that she wasn't about to get drug into violence. i waited and knocked again. i said, if everyone in there okay? please tell me.

they opened the door with sheepish grins and embarrassment. i was in tears given i had just had a struggle with a person a day earlier to keep them out of my apartment. they were so apologetic as i broke out in tears. they all took turns hugging me and saying sorry. i just telling them that it is so important that we all take care of each other. that its not the world i grew up in and the world they only heard about. now we have to be vigilant and reactionary. i told them i was glad that everyone was okay and to please go back to having fun.

tonight, a knock on the door found me staring at everyone that had been in that apartment last night. young people are so beautiful. they came bearing cookies and a sweet note with their numbers so that we can all make sure that if we ever needed each other we would know how to get to each other. i smiled. the young man of the household stopped us all from our giggling and said, "seriously, if only A (girlfriend) had been home alone and you had heard her, you would have been the only one who might have kept her safe. thank you, really" and he hugged the stuffing out of me. and i praised God for young people who understand how precious our relationships with each other are.

Thank you A and J. (and the motley crew with them)   I've got your numbers... and have eaten half your cookies!

1 comment:

  1. Yay to you for reaching out. Yay to them for receiving and appreciating your concern. Double, triple yay for doing so with fantabulous looking (and I'm sure, tasting) cookies.