welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Sunday, September 11, 2011

no more words...

every  year since 9/11 i have written or shared something.  i have done the "where were you's?"

  i have posted a song by Melissa Etheridge,

  i have shared the letter from david, a young man affected by the events of losing his father on 9/11 and a second letter back from david's mother.

 i have shared the feelings of having a young family and their reactions.  my reactions.  my husband's reaction which i will never forget.   he was thrown in between being the father/husband of the household to 3 1/2 children and a wife and a store full of  associates who, in an instant,when the reality sank in, turned into his children as well. looking for guidance and compassion and listening ear as they spilled out all their fears and anger.  he was more that day than just the store manager.  he was a spiritual leader, a calming voice, a compass.  i was so proud of him and yet so worried about the heavy load he was carrying.    he had to go to work, be all those things,  comfort 400 people and keep a store running smoothly.  i can't imagine the weight he held as he drove to work

 but before he did all that,  i remember clearly, we sent off the two older ones to school with brave faces.  ( we didnt know what else to do without causing both of them hysteria)    i sat down at the kitchen chair and he leaned against the wall in front of me.   i looked to him and said, "what do we do?"  and he slowly slid down the wall until he was sitting on the hardwood floor.  he looked at me and said,  "i don't know".   and he meant it.  i saw a man who perhaps for the first time in his life really didn't know what to do.  i am sure he was reeling with overwhelming responsibility and not a clue how to begin. he, with millions of others in the world felt the same, i am sure.  there were no more words to say between us.   our eyes locked on each other and they stayed there.    our 3 year old came and jumped up in her "daddens" lap and began to play and we watched her.  we were jealous of her innocence and scared to death of her future.   i wrapped my arms around my 7 month gestating belly and could feel a little person reacting to my obvious raise blood pressure.  i looked down at my stomach and then back at my husband and child again.   we said nothing more except than that he may be late and we would keep in touch by phone all day.   i wished him well and told him to send my love to his associates.

ten years later.  i still have  no more words.  i can't watch video from that day all day long.  i am not turning on the television unless i see Sponge Bob.   i am not posting my rotating 9/11 posts.  in the 10 years since, i have only learned one thing.  i know nothing new.  i have no new angle.  i have very limited tears to shed.  i hung up my grandfathers flag today.  recognized what the day was ten years ago and what today is now.  i spent the day in the park and the river and eating BLT sandwiches.  i felt and feel blessed it was today and not ten years ago.  i was happy to see my baby who was safe in my stomach 10 years ago, safe now goofing off in the river.  i have compassion, i remember, i spent time in refection and reverence but i have no more words.

1 comment:

  1. Your question on Facebook The Butterfly Effect...question on philosophy for anyone that cares to answer. "if you could go back to any place and time, would you go back and change it?" before you answer, think about both the positive and negative things that have happened since the event that pops into your mind. would you wipe out everything/everyone at that point? sacrifice the good things along with the pain, just to have a "do over". think a long time before you answer. it would affect more people than you think at first. So tell me, if you want to play...
    My answer...
    If we were able to turn back the clock and make better choices, we would not be stronger people today. That is only achievable, if we can look deep within ourselves as well and make the changes that we need to make in order to become better people. Some people are not accountable for their actions, but the ones who are, will prevail. It is all about choices...and even though some choices are bad, sometimes those are not recognized as bad choices until we find out otherwise. Or, we may not know the consequences of even a bad choice until how significant it has affected others. That's where we learn from our mistakes. Make sense?