no more words...

every  year since 9/11 i have written or shared something.  i have done the "where were you's?"

  i have posted a song by Melissa Etheridge,

  i have shared the letter from david, a young man affected by the events of losing his father on 9/11 and a second letter back from david's mother.

 i have shared the feelings of having a young family and their reactions.  my reactions.  my husband's reaction which i will never forget.   he was thrown in between being the father/husband of the household to 3 1/2 children and a wife and a store full of  associates who, in an instant,when the reality sank in, turned into his children as well. looking for guidance and compassion and listening ear as they spilled out all their fears and anger.  he was more that day than just the store manager.  he was a spiritual leader, a calming voice, a compass.  i was so proud of him and yet so worried about the heavy load he was carrying.    he had to go to work, be all those things,  comfort 400 people and keep a store running smoothly.  i can't imagine the weight he held as he drove to work

 but before he did all that,  i remember clearly, we sent off the two older ones to school with brave faces.  ( we didnt know what else to do without causing both of them hysteria)    i sat down at the kitchen chair and he leaned against the wall in front of me.   i looked to him and said, "what do we do?"  and he slowly slid down the wall until he was sitting on the hardwood floor.  he looked at me and said,  "i don't know".   and he meant it.  i saw a man who perhaps for the first time in his life really didn't know what to do.  i am sure he was reeling with overwhelming responsibility and not a clue how to begin. he, with millions of others in the world felt the same, i am sure.  there were no more words to say between us.   our eyes locked on each other and they stayed there.    our 3 year old came and jumped up in her "daddens" lap and began to play and we watched her.  we were jealous of her innocence and scared to death of her future.   i wrapped my arms around my 7 month gestating belly and could feel a little person reacting to my obvious raise blood pressure.  i looked down at my stomach and then back at my husband and child again.   we said nothing more except than that he may be late and we would keep in touch by phone all day.   i wished him well and told him to send my love to his associates.

ten years later.  i still have  no more words.  i can't watch video from that day all day long.  i am not turning on the television unless i see Sponge Bob.   i am not posting my rotating 9/11 posts.  in the 10 years since, i have only learned one thing.  i know nothing new.  i have no new angle.  i have very limited tears to shed.  i hung up my grandfathers flag today.  recognized what the day was ten years ago and what today is now.  i spent the day in the park and the river and eating BLT sandwiches.  i felt and feel blessed it was today and not ten years ago.  i was happy to see my baby who was safe in my stomach 10 years ago, safe now goofing off in the river.  i have compassion, i remember, i spent time in refection and reverence but i have no more words.