welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

a clean slate doesn't always mean peace...

i only have a short list really.   being gay cancels out so many of those men/boys who courted me with beautiful words and nonexistent intentions until i was way into my 30's.

 i have only really loved a few women.  and please don't mistake "love" with "sex" because they are two different things.  that doesn't mean that the women i have had sex with i didn't care for.   i treated them like jewels and they always knew i was present when we were together.  the women i have loved and i  have had intense sexual/emotional relationships with, there was more that i gave to them.

there was my first.  i was ignorant and innocent and so flattered that person "like that" would have anything to do with a person "like me".  she was like a circus clown, filling up a helium balloon, ie my ego.  she filled it with all the things she knew i wanted to be.  when she handed me that expansive balloon,  i wanted to believe that i really was all those things she had put into it.  she wrapped the string around me tightly and as i lifted off the ground, i first felt the rush of freedom.  my feet no long carried the weight i had be carrying for so long.  before i cleared the trees though i saw something in her eyes, immitigable pretentiousness.  she knew i wouldn't come back down in the same spot i had lifted off from.  she knew,  that moment was THE moment that me and my life of my entire family would never be the same.   when i muse about it, i see the clown from Steven King's novel IT.  but in the spirit of honesty,  i was a lesbian and eventually i would have escaped...  maybe more gracefully.  maybe more dramatic.  one cannot foretell the "might haves".   because they do not exist.

there was a woman in between IT and my beautiful colorado woman.  she stole money from me,  she told me she didn't have enough money to go see her dying father in New York.  i took out money from an investment account at the tune of $1700.   she never went.   "she spent it on bogus "back pain" appointments all around the valley.  a few months later,  she father did die.  she didn't go...  i don't even recall any tears.  she used me for everything she could.  i remember one time, while putting up the swingset for my girls, she looked at me and said,  "i am going to marry you"....   "oh you think so?"  i said, as i looked at her and saw the rope wrapped around my wrist that my first love had wrapped so tightly.   she stayed long enough for me to nurse her through back surgery, i bathed her and changed her tampons and then she was off,  i think to florida.   "Grifter" i think is what the name is for people like that.

i keep a picture of my colorado beauty.  she thought i was beautiful.  she thought i was intelligent, she loved my blogging, she loved my imagination,  she loved what a "smooth" flirt i was.  thats what she called it ya know,  "smooth".   until the world turned upside down.  i won't go into details because it is so fresh.  the wounds still weeping puss and the bruises are everywhere.  but i have her picture.  i have several.  my body reacts to them exactly the way it did in person.   But it is over.  Please God let it be over.   our passion equaled the hate.

one lives out of state and is (i hope) out of range of such hateful manipulation.  however, she is schooled in psychological deficiances and can explain to me why they (you) acted so hatefully.   may Freud bless frat boy.

there was one more.  she fell into the intellectual not sexual  catagory.   people threatened her that if she was with me for whatever reason she would pay a price.   they gave her an example of the type of price she would pay.  she decided that i was collateral.  i can tell you that this one REALLY hurt.  congratulations to you if you are responsible.  you won.  but in the grander scheme of things you really will lose.  karma is a equal opportunity bitch.

not one of these women i would ever ask back into my life.  that is assuming that they would ever want me back, which is a prime example of magical thinking. 

i pray however that one day a girl will come to love me, regardless of who tells her not to,  a girl who has no agenda other than wanting to lay down with me every night.   keep each others feet warm.  giggle quietly over private jokes and love making that lifts us to where we are supposed be be.

please goddess,  hear my prayer.