more than...

welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Friday, May 27, 2011

i went for a walk tonight. i had to breathe. i had a staring stand-off with my ex who would have stood there staring back forever had she not said something. i didn't say what i really wanted to say. instead i just stood and let my vision go blurry. the wind was blowing and as my vision became foggy i could see her in my favorite picture of her. so beautiful, a smile that out shines the stars, a shoulder i swear was molded just perfectly to fit me. a body that could curl up in a spoon position that i could almost hold every part of her. i remember the last time. hysterically she called to get her away from a barking dog... i ran to her in pj's, grabbed her dogs and held her hand until she was safe in my bed. i rolled away for a minute to adjust my arm and she cried, "where did you go?" i rolled back over and whispered that i was right there and that she was safe and nothing was going to get to her. i felt her body slowly relax and she was blissfully asleep. she felt so good. i put so much love into that night. praying it would penetrate deeper than it would have been if she had just crashed on a friends couch.

morning came and life went on. i don't keep track of all the shit that passes between us, i peruse over it and file it away so that when it happens again i can laugh at myself. but i do remember the soft times. times that will forever fill me with memories of her. i choose that. i could choose the smile and her wrinkly nose. her dancing with my daughters and buying her Miss PiggleWiggle for her because it was her favorite childhood book. giving her her first easter basket. i will and choose to remember these things because they bring a smile and a softness into my heart. i refuse to point fingers any more. i have officially let her go.

i pray everynight that she will soften her heart. remember the good things and get on with her life that could be filled with love and laughter. lovers and other happily ever afters. i want that for her as much as i want it for me. how could i not? i have loved her, known her, watched her for such a very long time. she is a good woman. she has so much to give. i lost her but there is no reason why someone can't look at her and see that she could be their everything someday.