more than...: just a day trip...

welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Sunday, May 29, 2011

just a day trip...

i have been thinking for a while about a good place to go to think.    it needed harshness and beautiful and all living in harmony.

2 years ago my partner and i went to the snake river gorge and took some terrific pictures. she was so happy she did a cartwheel. i think it was the first cartwheel i have ever seen a grown up do. i will make sure i walk passed that place to remember her joy.     i want to venture out further into the sagebrush to the wind gardens. i want to wrap my arms around the steel pillar and feel its vibration. look up and watch the blades go around and around.

i want to remember the why we ended up there that day.   we were getting ready for a friends wedding and after the rehearsal we took off to find something new for the denver native to see.   it was so much fun. we went home to shower and crawled into that bed that our bodies fit perfectly.

seems like so far away now.     i will wind my way back toward the bridge that used to give me nightmares when thinking of letting my children walk across it. its not scary to me anymore. it speaks to me the way king's hill did.   other reasons, other seductions, perhaps just a soft place to sleep.