welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Sunday, May 22, 2011

more than just a trail...

 i keep hoping that i will get a text from someone who will tell me that i have more worth than the threats of her "so called friends".   that i am worth her time, her emotions, and her fear that people who were her friends before. we became good friends i wish it  would transend the evil of what toxic bullies who would threaten her.  i know it won't happen,  i have always known my value.  its not worth anyones dicomfort.   why on earth i could ever think anything other than that.  it always has been, it always will be.

i had my binoculers ready for the next run up the mountain.   i could never make it up all the way but we  found this cave and this beautiful hillside filled with all kinds of birds..  but we stopped when we saw the owl.   we watched her for several minutes,  we watched as  she watch us.  she watched the other birds who have made their home within the rock that surrounded her nest.   But her eyes were certainly on us. 

I promised to bring my binoculars next  time. she was so exicted to see that beautiful mommy close up  watching over her babies.  but that will never happen.  well perhaps i will on the a day i know she wont  be there or pray she won't be there.

i want to see the mama owl.  watching over her young.   i want to step through the creek one more time that i teased my friend by splashing water on her and watching her run with that beautiful grin on her face.

pitiful that any of these things should matter to me at all.  i don't need her loyality.  although it was sheer bliss when i had it.  she was special,  for a while.