welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Sunday, May 15, 2011

an evening with Virginia Woolf

i have had a long standing love affair with Virginia Woolf.   she was elegant and thoughtful.  she provokes thought within me. she is sometimes a mirror that reflects my image back at me and sometimes a window to gaze out at the world around me.  we had a good night together last night.  a reunion of kindred spirits, of teacher and student, within my book, dog earred with a well worn spine.  she begins her writing of a Room of One's Own talking about words and their meanings after being asked to write about women and fiction.  she couldn't address it head on because she was not a head on type of person.  she was like a tree,  solid roots but branching off into the sky reaching for so many other ways to express her thoughts.  some branches twisted, contorted, perhaps painfully but always still reaching for the sunlight, for more, one more word that will be the perfect word.  fancinating.  so Virginia sat beside me last night and i talked to her...

words seem to be flying around me.  not like butterflies softly lighting on my shoulder but as if i am carrion.  each diving in to tear a small piece of flesh from my body.

i have come to the conclusion that people are cruel.   some are intentionally cruel.  instead of working through their disappointment or disillusionment with the world around them and letting go of the burden that always comes with anger and hurt, they carry it around like a prized possession, a trophy, a permission slip to be caustic.  or like a cow,  throwing up previous eaten food to chew it all over again instead of feeding blissfully from greener pastures.

there are those people who are accidentally cruel.  they react to situations which they are unable to think through before doing a hurtful thing.

there are those, who in my opinion, are some of the most irritating people to exist.  the apathetic.  the silent ones.  the people, for whatever reason, do not utter a word when the vultures attack.  they sit safely within the frenzy, not wanting to voice their objections to blantant hatred and bullying.  they value being with the crowd over speaking up and perhaps leaving themselves open to becoming carrion as well.

all of these catagories have one thing in common.  they are all just human nature.  no matter how much i shake my head in disappointment at the deliberate, accidental or apathetic actions of others,  i know that at one time or another i too have fallen into these catagories,  i know that there is nothing anyone can do to change inate human nature.  i always do hope however, that we all want to grow to a higher place in our evolution, to reach the next tier on the Hierachy of Needs.  i always hope that we want to be better people.  i always want to believe that everyone wakes up every day striving to be honest with themselves as they take their first look into the mirror and know they should expect more of themselves.  more peace, more compassion, more empathy, more of all things good for their spirit.   after all,  hatred is sneaky. its an equal opportunity vulture.  you may think you are spitting it out and away from you,  like a cleansing ceremony.  but there is always some left behind.  it sits inside you, poisoning you as well.

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