welcome to the next chapter...

once a long time ago, i read on a blog, "i am a lesbian but thats not all i am". i was then just teetering on the edge coming out as a lesbian. back then, although i understood what she was saying, i was completely drowning in that one dimension of my identity. i knew then i was more than also but such turmoil tends to shrink your field of vision. it is scary and exciting and anticipatory and it is exhausting.

i am almost 5 years out now. some things look differently in my life. some things are the same. but i revel in the knowledge that i am a lesbian and in the knowledge that i really am more than just... my field of vision has grown to include the wide open spaces of life's endless possibilies.

for those of you who know me, you will be able to find the familiar places of my old writings which i will have on the sidebar. for those who stumble upon me and find yourself confused by fragmented references or are struggling to come out later in life, you will find the Closer to Fine link most helpful. I recommend reading it from the beginning, it makes more sense.

one more thing, blame my lack of capital letters on e.e. cummings...

Friday, May 20, 2011

someone told me once that she had been advised that insomnia never killed anyone.   so i sit.  i hear the clock ticking away the minutes of my life...  it might not be killing me but it is usurping seconds, minutes, hours, of my life in which i lay here wondering why i am not someone important.  or doing something important.

why am i not  standing without fear on the Golan Heights screaming that if Syria takes complete control of the controversial land Israel will have no defense as Syria and whoever else wants the Israelis exterminated, bombard them from the hills.

why am i not spending time at the interfaith sanctuary?

why can't i connect with people and make them feel understood or comfort them with basic commonality.  i don't want points... i want a connection.

what am i waiting for?   the need is now,  i am not blind.  what is wrong with me that I cannot become someone who will have made a difference in the world  when i am gone?

why am i not heard and respected when i speak about the damage that hatred and bullying can do to people.  if not me? who?  i have been bullied all my life.  in childhood, in marital situations, in coming out as a lesbian, and by the gay community  itself , which i so desperately wanted to find a place in.

i am either lazy or paralyzed with fear.

i am a glaring example of a full fledged hypocrite.

perhaps that is what i hear in the tick tock of the grandfather clock above my head.  the reminder that each click is one more second that i am doing nothing important for the world around me.